Becoming Intimate For The First Time - Knowing What's Right?
I have recently started dating a very dear friend of mine. He is patient and understanding of my disability, and has not pressured me for sex. I am twenty-years-old and am still a virgin. He the same age as me and has had sex with two other women. I am very comfortable with him and he has given me no reason not to trust him, but I'm very unsure of when it is appropriate to go beyond kissing. Both he and I get aroused, but I worry about becoming overwhelmed. He has also undressed me from the waist up and has fondled my breasts, but has not tried for anything more than this. He's very considerate, too - even the slightest nervous laugh will make him stop and ask if I'm okay.
I am curious about how other women on the spectrum lost their virginity. How did you know that you were ready? Did your autism affect your experience?
I think it would help you a lot to tell him that you are nervous about intimacy because you've never had this experience before, either sex or simply foreplay (prelude to sex). He sounds like someone who really cares about your feelings, so telling him about your anxiety may help him guide you through the experience.
Hi Sarah-Ann,
I'm not sure how to advise you. It sounds like you are dealing with a very understanding guy though. That is super good. When you feel you are ready, and YOU are able to make that decision, I think that it will probably be a positive experience. I'm no expert, though, so be sure to get advice from others!
I've found that sex is one of those things that changes the way you feel about someone. You will probably feel closer to him emotionally afterwards, so you have to be ready for the possibility of you two not staying togther. This is what happened to me: sex and maybe four weeks later he dumps me. This was a VERY difficult time for me emotionally. I'm not saying that this is likely to happen to you, because it sounds like you have picked a better guy :) but just sharing so you know how it was for me, and how I think it can be for other women.
In my experience, I wasn't ready for sex. I wasn't raped technically (I don't think), because I did not give any signal that I didn't want sex, but I was absolutely terrified. I was not ready. AT ALL. Nor was I expecting it. (I would have at least shaved my legs if I would have known I would be naked!) We had been on a few "dates", but we never touched physically. I did not even know if he was interested in me romantically or just as a friend, but I did notice my budding attraction toward his physique and the way my body became aroused when we were just sitting side by side in the movie theater. In the same night, I went from desiring to hold his hand (but not having the courage to do so), to having lost my virginity. That jump from not having touched at all to having sex was too much for me all at once. I pretty much numbed out as he stripped my clothes off, followed by his own. I was filled with so much fear that I could not act nor speak. I found myself frozen and voiceless... and even though I was immensely afraid of him penetrating me (especially without a condom on), I could not move or speak even the tiniest bit to tell him to stop. This was several years ago, before my diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome and thus before I understood myself in the context of AS. I had been aware of my anxiety but was unaware of how autism influenced my communication abilities, particularly in situations of high anxiety.
I think you have a lot going for you, with your level of self-understanding and with such an understanding guy. Please stay in touch, and take care.
Warmly,
Stephanie
http://www.tumblr.com/blog/youvelivedmylifeforme