communication difficulty with husband.
Today, I was talking to my husband( about my favorite thiing lately. my fish aquariums), and he stopped me and told me that when I talk, I talk in a monotone voice and I go on and on and it all just starts to sound like a bunch of garble. Wow! what a nice thing to say to me. NOT. How can you communicate to someone that really doesn't even want to listen.
Bummer, that must have hurt your feelings. The truth is, you can't really talk with someone who doesn't want to listen, but maybe that wasn't really what was going on. I have no idea what actually happened, because I wasn't there, but I'm willing to suggest a possibility that might make you feel better.
Guys like to veg out, particularly when they just get home (picture dude in recliner with tv remote in hand and a slack look on his face). Maybe his brain was just on autopilot, and the act of listening seemed like too much work. It's still no reason for him to have been so rude, but he might not have been intended for it to sound as personal as it did. If you catch a typical guy between his veg cycles, when he's more energetic, he'll listen better. Hope this helps, because I hate to think of anyone getting shot down that way.
BTW, you can talk to me about aquariums anytime you want. I think they're fascinating, like little universes! I love the fish, too. :) Do you have any pictures of your tanks?
I have to figure out where to put the special interest things on here. I will post the fish things there.
As far as my husband. Our communication is just not there anymore. I feel like I know less about him now that I did a few years ago. He is almost becoming a stranger to me. The distance is getting wider in our relationship. That is why marriage counceling is needed RIGHT NOW, before it all falls apart permanently.
There is a great book on communication difficulties that was written with NTs in mind but I've found that it had some Situation-> what the hell is going on in the other person's head tips that those of us who are, let's say, less talented with that theory of mind thing?
I also like the illustrations- some of them take some phrases that we might take too literally and illustrate the Over literal interpretations. Those types of illustrations always make me happy (I used to have a Tee shirt that read "Washington: Raining Cats and Dogs" with an illustration of a rainstorm containing cats and dogs.). Also, lots of Social stories embedded, of the kind that are more applicable for adult relationships with friends and family than some of the standard social story books.
Any how, more on topic:
I can't garantee that this will help your actual issues with your husband, but this chapter "the lolipop" might help you deal with your frustration in the mean time. Comes complete with nifty chart on expectations and how they influence how we feel as a result!
This one, "The Only Way Out is Through", might also be important to review as you and your husband work out your issues. It talks about a conflict resolution scenario in a relationship and illustrates the importance of dealing with hard to talk about issues instead of avoiding them because they cause conflict.
Also, Reccomended for ANYONE in a romantic relationship: "Giving Permission to Disappoint"
Let me know what you think, I sometimes forget that what is useful for me might not be applicable for others.
Savannah Nicole Logsdon-Breakstone Director of Advocacy 
My partner walks away when I am talking about a subject. He walks away when he wants to, not when I've finished talking. Gives me the impression that what I am saying is not worth listening to. Unfortunately I have occassionally started screaming don't walk away and then that will lead to a screaming rage and I'll have a meltdown and THEN, I have to go and lie down in a dark room with no-one near me until I can cope again. Sometime the opposite occurs and he just won't back off. I threw a pair of scissors at him once because I had no physical escape route and he wouldn't back off from teasing me. This, by the way, was the day before we got married. He told me I was very lucky he didn't call the whole thing off. I can't bear getting cornered. DH (Da Husband) has since learnt at least not to corner me physically.
My SO is probably the only person on earth who isn't always wishing I'd shut up. I'll apologize for babbling and he'll tell me he doesn't care. He also seems to prefer when I have a 'deaf accent' from my hearing loss, and I know I'm frequently monotone. After five years of this, he still doesn't mind. I think he might be a freak. ;)
As for other communication issues, more and more I'm realizing that his patience isn't the same as understanding -- and trying to explain why I respond the way I do in certain situations. It's an interesting process made easier by my recent return to therapy (with someone who isn't totally useless, for a change).
That said, it seems like the OP's husband wants to explain why he has a hard time listening on occasion. I'm not sure what the solution is, as 'learning' to have a more dynamic voice seems a bit of a tall order, and he was definitely rude if he said 'garbled' (i'm hard of hearing, the whole subject of speech makes me twitch). Was the issue also that you monologue? Maybe if you broke down your communication some and make sure he gets a chance to respond may help?
He may have been insensitive, but he also may have been trying to communicate something to you that may help your relationship, and just didn't have the grace/words to do it nicely. Either way, it's something you should definitely try to talk out, if at all possible.
I am sorry your feelings were hurt. Rather, I'm sorry to hear that they were since it wasn't my fault, but you know what I mean :)
My husband, currently, has the patience of a saint when it comes to me and talking. I talk non stop when something interests me. I forget what interests me, might not interest him. And he's busted me a few times of being less than enthusiastic about listening to HIS stuff. Who cares about the video game he's playing? I don't! LOL
But what I've found works is this: I told him in all reality, I don't care if he HEARS what I'm saying when I"m going on and on about a subject. Just that someone nods their head and says "uh huh" in the appropriate places. That works great for him when he's on auto-pilot that someone else mentioned in this thread.
And I'm allowed to do the same when he's going on and on about the battles he's playing on online or in a video game.
When I want to actually be heard, I say so... "Daddy? I need you to actually listen to this." and then I"ll go full steam ahead. Yes, I call him Daddy cause it helped identify his role for my sons as he is step-father to them.
Maybe you can work out something like that?
Listening...very tricky in our household lol. I know that when my b/f is talking, I tend to be listening, but at the same time, I have a whole conversation going on in my head about the subject or something that the subject brought to mind...some memory or something. My b/f can really talk up a storm and I have a hard time breaking in with my comments and I sometimes get frustrated and just want him to stop so I can have my say lol. On the flip side though, I think the same thing happens with him when I'm talking. So our conversations tend to bounce around to a bunch of other subjects and anyone on the outside listening in might think we're just super hyper crazy people lol. That is our house though, we're all autistic, adhd, add, so I think we all just think that's the normal way to communicate..b/c it is to us. 
During those times of frustration or if there are other stresses going on such as being tired or hungry or whatever, then there are little flare-ups and maybe not the nicest things are thought, but if anything harsh is said, we make sure to apoligize right away...usually. Some things are so hard to get over once they are said, but you have to make a decision about whether it's worth it or not.
If you're upset by what your husband said, you should talk with him about it. Give him the chance to make it right and maybe he'll be a little more careful about his wording next time. Maybe he was just tired or stressed at the time. It's not always roses in relationships and we do actually have to work at it. Good luck to you and I hope you are able to talk this out with him.
same here. My husband just wont listen or learn about not cornering me. I go into the fight and flight mode.
Its nice to hear that I 'm not alone on this. I talk alot about certain things when I am happy.
The thing is that it seems he would be happy if I never talked, always listened intently to him when HE was talking(about the same thing again); cleaned the house and cared for the kids. Oh,ya.... and the SEX thing(which is NOT my thing)
Oh I know. I so know. 
I am sorry your feelings were hurt, as some have already said.
This is one reason I am online so much; I just cannot communicate verbally for any length of time with my SO either.
The worst thing I think is when I've taken time to say something long and drawn out, because it takes a lot of energy out of me and he says "huh"....
or
When I am SOOOOOOOO excited about an upcoming trip (i love to travel) or one of my special interests and he says something like is not even a word... i don't even know how to write it lol
or
When I get a story published or sell a picture and I am just wanting an "atta girl" or "i'm proud or or happy for you" and he says something like "o" or "ok"
or
When I text him something that I feel can't wait and he replies like I am saying some alien thing to him saying something like "ooooooooookay"
or
When I topic switch like just once and he's already forgotten what I was talking about and I have to go back and remind him with trigger words and he still doesnt get it....
Makes me want to go jdkla jdklfj akldfjkladjflkajdfkla;d jfkl;ajdkfla;jdkfl jaf;ad jfdkla;djklfaj!~ That's what I do online when I am frustrated!
Elle,
That is so funny cause I was nodding my way through your post! Especially the aklajsdfjalkl csdkh fakluefhaskldkfh thing!
But my hubby has learned i'm like a little girl in some ways, and need that pat on the back and an "atta girl, I'm proud of you" thing. Prolly cause I yelled gibberish at him last time he failed to do so. He's getting better at understanding me LOL
I tend to have the opposite problem-- I think somewhere along the way I realized I had a hard time telling whether or not people actually wanted to hear what I had to say or not and just sort of stopped talking. And now people get frustrated with me because they can never tell what I'm thinking and I never say. I really think that if it weren't for work I would go days or even weeks without saying a word. Does anyone else have this problem?
I often now don't talk. People can NEVER tell what I'm thinking because I don't smile (I had to learn to smile) and all they see is a blank expression. I like it when I don't have to talk. Many days it is an effort.
Nimeni,l
that was me when I was about 14. I realized that no one wanted to listen to me, and I never knew when they were tired of listening to me and often eneded up feeling rejected. I withdrew into silence. Anyone, other than my mom had a difficult time trying to get more than a few words out of me. I found that at least this way, I couldn't put my foot in my mouth. I did find that, as I got older, it was a very quite and lonely world to live in.
The one year I was in college, I could go practally the entire day without saying a word. That was until I got my first pet kitty. ( still have him 17 years later). I talked to my cat, and he seemed to listen. I was started to open up after I quit college, and met a few people that I felt comfortable with. It wasn't until I was married and my mom died that I then had no one to just talk to( or talk at as some would put it). She would listen. She died 5 years ago, Dec. 30. Since then, I have no one that will listen and is as interested as I am at something I am talking about. My mom and I would go out to eat and we would spend hours talking. Usually me doing alot of the talking. Whenever I was excited about something, I would call her to tell her. Now I have no one. Okay.... I'm feeling like moving this to the sanctuary, as it is makeing me sad. I'll be back on later.
Genisa, my 'two' mothers died 8 & 5 years ago respectively. My biological mum - I would talk to her, about anything. My aunt, her sister, who had a great part in raising me because my mother had severe rheumatoid arthritis died 5 years ago. I, too, have no-one. I might be an adult female, aged '39 forever' but I wish I had an older female in my life with whom I could talk.
Me too, Lauriek. My mom and I used to be really close. She has her hands full caring for her mom and husband (who is fighting for his life right now). I don't want to burden her, as she has more than enough to contend with. The wisdom of an older friend would be comforting and refreshing.
It is a lonely world to live in, you're right. I never really felt like I did have someone. My dad is a "rougher" personality, and my mom and I don't relate in a lot of ways, so I kept mostly to myself, occasionally opening up to a friend here and there. I've made a great deal of effort to stop that pattern, though, because I realize that in order for people to feel comfortable around you they need to feel like they know a little bit about you. Right now I tend to look at it in a pretty mathematical way, calculating about how much I should say and how much I should keep to myself, but I haven't got it figured out perfectly just yet and quite often I still just feel like I don't want to talk. But I do feel like I'm in a better place now than I was a few years ago, and I suppose that's what counts, right?
Nimeni, I wish I had your restraint.
My favorite perseveration is talking. I talked my family's ears off when I was younger. Yakyakyakyakyak ... the poor things. I've gotten to the point where I don't even like to hear myself. I think to myself, "Yuck." It's to me like cracking one's knuckles over and over again.
Now I limit my phone time, keep my emails to family and friends quite short. When I'm with them, I try to ask questions and draw people out more than share. Ask a question, that earns me the right to make one comment. Ask another question, one other comment. Keep the pingpong going. Good old reciprocation. Hard work!
One of the hardest things to avoid is to go off on one of my special interests if anyone brings them up. I need a friend beside me to poke me with a sharp stick. Stop it. Don't go there.
I don't want it to sound like I'm self-loathing. I'm not. I just know people don't really want to hear more than a little bit. So I'm working on being a better friend, better daughter. I want to leave this earth feeling like I've demonstrated my love and my self-restraint, that my loved ones won't say, "Oh thank goodness we are rid of her, she was hard work!"
The weird thing is I have no problem with my kids. I don't yammer at them! Why the heck not? They yammer at me. I love it.
I'm looking forward to talking about special interests on this forum. Practicing not going overboard about them, maybe.
As a kid, I found it easier to write things down. With friends, I like to email rather than have long phone conversations. The phone is my enemy as it tends to inspire me to share too much. Then I feel tired and hungover.
If I can leave interactions feeling like I've kept my dignity and maintained my calm and that others felt good about the time they spent with me, I feel so much better. A bad interaction (the other person obviously not having enjoyed him or herself) can depress me for weeks.
Califmom,
you remind me alot of me. lol. Lately, when I find a person(victom) that is willing to listen, I will talk their ear off. Especially since i have no one to talk to at any other time. I wish I could even begin to calculate how much to say and how much not to, as you are, Nemini, but I can't. I have a problem with times of feeling extreem compulisiveness to talk. I have even had one time, when I just couldn't stand to hear me talk anymore. ( I quit taking my adderall, as I found that this contributed to it.)
Well, I found myself in a situation of small talk today and got rather frustrated. I can calculate about how much to say, but not WHAT to. I study the other girls in the conversation and try to figure out what they do or how they say things to make it feel natural and to put others at ease but I can't tell what's different between what they say and what I say, but I can tell by the way people react that there is a difference. Its very frustrating. I wish I could fit in but I can't quite figure it out. I guess I just come across as different.
Ok, I'm having difficult communicating on this board!!!! It didn't say "Hey, dingbat, you need to sign in before you can post a reply." it just offered the option to sign in on the left hand side of the screen, which I was ignoring in the hopes of seeing this reply box and instead the page kept refreshing. GRRR.
Okay.. now on to what I really wanted to say... about talking a lot or not at all.
Most of the times I talk A LOT about everything and anything that pops into my lil head and I can go on and on and on and on. As long as it's online. If you put me face-to-face with someone, I shut down if I don't know them.
However, that has only begun since teen years into young adult because as a child I was not picked on about it by anyone cause I only hung out with my family and one set of friends who LIKED me for my babbleness. However, (my new favorite word of the day is however), my son Brandon is just like I was and he gets all excited and talks to himself all the time or to anyone within hearing distance. He's so funny, too when he's in the bathroom and communicating with nature... ha! I imagine the joy I find in his ramblings must be the same enjoyment my mother and father had with me because he is just too delightful to shush up! I tweet his "random" thoughts on twitter cause they're hysterical. I call them "Brandon's Randoms." For example, the other day ago, we were tying his shoes to get him ready to go out.. and he says, out of nowhere "Mom, if you eat too many cocktail weenies, you'll explode. Then I'll have to hose you off the walls." I mean, c'mon! That was hysterical especially considering I don't eat cocktail weenies (or vienna sausages or whatever you may call them).
But anyway... what was I saying? Oh heck. I forget. I 'm sure there was a point in there and it got lost in my rambling....
hehehehehe. I talk alot too. especially on here and then I forget what I was typing. In face to face, if I know the person, I can talk till the cows come home. I have been told if there was a contest for who could talk the longest( have a monologue) I would win by a huge lead.LOL. I know my talking and talking and talking, etc. can be a problem, but I just can't seem to shut myself up. I have had only once incidence lately(lasted about one week) where I was tired of listening to me talk, and wished that I would just shut up. I was ready to tape my mouth shut with duct tape. It was almost like I had extreem OCD and constant talking was the only symptom. ugggg. Also, I have found when I talk alot, many times I give TMI, and some people are like, okie dokie, that is more than I reallllly wanted to know....soooo. bye
Genisa! HA! I so relate! I'm gonna make my two points quickly and then add more info so I don't forget : 1) I feel a need to fill silence, especially when in class and 2) Chatroom TMI.
OKay, the first one. I went to college at Gibbs Boston, and I had some really wonderful teachers. But I also got sick of when the teacher would ask a question, and finish it with "Someone other than Heather want to try and answer?" GR. I usually waited for someone to answer instead of me and it would KILL me to sit there in silence as these people would just blankly stare ahead. And the dumb thing? I KNOW there were people there who knew the answers and just didn't want to speak up for whatever reason.... If you know the answer, what's wrong with answering? HUh? NOTHING.
But one of my professors was this psychologist who noted that my problem was the silence. His answer was to make one of my assignments (I was taking Career Development course at this time and he changed the syllabus for me since I didn't need the stuff the course covered.) was to write about positive uses for silence. Since Silence has always been not golden for me, and I had that compulsion to fill it, even with babble that didn't make sense to anyone, not even me, this he thought would make it easier for me if I could understand that there are good uses for silence. One use that I thought of and researched (the only one I remember now offhand) was how psychologists and therapists use silence to get their patient time to formulate thoughts and to fill the silence with "random" things to find something to talk about type of stuff. I might add, that trick always worked well with me!
2. Chat rooms and TMI. I chat on AOL after all my day's work i done (or I just can't focus anymore, whichever comes first). I just have lots more still to say but the chat room doesn't require me to formulate coherant thoughts, right? It can be more random. Well, if noone else is talking in the room I go into, I will talk to myself. I will make jokes about other people's screen names or what have you. But.. when there are others talking, I get rather nervous sometimes of sticking my foot in my mouth, and ultimately I do just that. But the biggest blunder I make is TMI. I have a running joke with one of the other chat room regulars that what I'm doing is teaching her what TMI means by giving examples! ha! I think it was her way of minimizing my embarassment. Sometimes I don't know it's TMI or bothersome until someone in the rooms says so. Last night someone asked me if I have ADD or something. I don't think I do. I just think it's this compulsion to talk to say anything and everything that pops through my mind, filter free. :)
when i'm tired, I can't type much. Especially when I can't think and stay focused on what I am trying to say. I have to have that strong urge to communicate to someone to keep talking.
I am one of the quiet ones... It often frustrates my husband. I have found that in more difficult or stressful conversations, it is easier for me to send my thoughts to him in an email. I can form my thoughts into something logical there. When I am stressed, frustrated and emotional I feel that I ramble and never manage make coherent sentences. It is often more difficult for me to hear and understand what he has to say when I am upset. I can sit down and read his email and do fairly well. We just learn to do what works...
when I was a child, I would talk a lot. Then when I was about 13, I finally stopped talking to everyone. People were also frusterated with me becasue I would not talk to them much at all, and they never knew what was going on. When I was in college, I could go for days without saying a word. Now that I know that Aspergers is what is causing alot of my issues, and I really don't care what anyone things, I talk when I want to and whatever I want to. I talk when I am happy. I tend to shut down when I am upset.
Hi,
Like everyone else I can relate to what you're saying in an ever so painful way. I too quit talking at about age 8. I was not diagnosed with AS until I was 41. I have learned a great deal about how to communicate and when to stop communicating with NT's but like you when I get happy my lips start a-flappin. I was very happy to have an explanation about what I was and that I wasn't a lazy, sociopath who never took responsibility for anything (per my family). Ironically I had felt responsible for everything and blamed myself for it as well. in fact of my earliest memories was me feeling helpless about trying to fix a chaotic situation, I think I was about three.
I have asked my husband to tell me when I need to finish the convo and he is usually pretty good about it. He will say "thats all I need to know" When he is tired or stressed he does tend to lash out and that is quite painful. He also gets frustrated when I "multi-task by reading/drawing , working on something online and following something on TV all at the same time, this is a a very comfortable state for me to be in. If he asks me a question and then I don't respond immediately he becomes very annoyed. I try to sit with him and say watch his program but that is excrutiating for me.
I have given up trying to explain my motivation for doing this or that thing and it seems to do is piss people off and that's when I becan to really learn not to care what people think. I have learned to like myself and even enjoy my own company.
I say all this because even when NT's say they understand they rarely if ever do. My grandmother who was my guardian made fun of my voice. People used to ask me where I was from "what an unusual accent" yadda yadda.
I used to write emails but these were often misconstrued as scathing attacks so now i just write them to get my frustrations out. I ended up taking a creative writing class that helped me a great deal just by being able to get the thoughts out of my head.
I met someone my age with AS and I loved her voice. It has a sort of guitar growl to it somehow. I have no idea how else to explain it. Recently at work I had to listen to a tape which included my voice and I was shocked to hear myself sound just like the AS woman I had met.
At times I wish so badly I had an AS peer I could be social with or better we could work on being social. I think if I/we had just one person we could talk to who "got" us it would help. Then we could maybe feel a bit of solace dealing with the NT world.
I don't think I perseverate too much, but evidently I must, because both my boys get really annoyed and say I go on and on about things.
In the past, when I felt like no one wanted to listen, I stopped talking altogether and limited my interactions to in-class discussions and online forums. I do not recommend this. People online will "listen" but it doesn't give you the same practice with social pragmatics that an in-person conversation can give you.
My boyfriend definitely knows why my mother used to call me the little professor. Luckily, he also talks for hours about the same thing - the difference is that he, as a neurotypical, doesn't have the same weird inflections and tendency toward monotone that I do. The monologues that pass as conversation in our household are well-tolerated by both of us, thankfully.
Oh my goodness! that is horrible! *hugs or whatever equivalent you like*
I've had my brother say similar things, but not that I was monotone, but that my voice had an annoying inflection.
Savannah Nicole Logsdon-Breakstone Director of Advocacy