The Difference Between Gossip and Acceptable Chit Chat
I have always struggled with deciphering between idle chit chat & gossip. I wonder if it is because the tone of voices are the same when I have overheard both taking place. My frustration lies with the difficulty in determining what is gossip and what is acceptable chit chat.
I find myself highly sensitive to other people discussing the goings on of anyone else. I find myself oftentimes uncomfortable (almost feeling like an invasion of privacy is happening.) The problem with this is that many NT's seem to be accepting of this among themselves (as if it is typical behavior.) Honestly, I don't get it?
Another great question! There was a reply I really liked on the AWN Facebook page - something to the effect of: If the other person knew you were saying it, do you think that person would mind? In other words, if Person A is simply describing something that Person B did or even said that wouldn't have any harmful ramifications to Person B, it's probably just chit-chat, otherwise, it's probably gossip.
What can complicate things is sometimes Person A will be talking to Person C about Person B because there is some sort of conflict. If Person A is trying to get advice or feedback from Person C, it's something that is not really chit chat or gossip.
As I've said for other issues, what it comes down to, is trusting your gut - if the content of the conversation is making you feel uncomfortable in some way, it's likely some form of gossip - i.e. someone is being talked about who would likely not appreciate the content of the conversation happening behind his or her back. This is different from "Person A is a teacher at my son's school - she just moved here from California," which is more chit-chat, i.e. informational but not harmful.
There are so many nuances and contexts - for example, Person A may be worried that Person B is doing something self-destructive and talks to Persons C, D etc to try to find a way to address or help Person B. Even though Person B may not appreciate it if he/she knew about this conversation, the motivation for the conversation is one of caring or concern.
It can be very hard to tell the difference though, as gossip often comes with some form of "meaningful" expressions, looks, eye-rolls and the like. Another person on the facebook page said (I'm paraphrasing again) that it's good when family or friends tell her that something is supposed to be kept secret from others or from a particular person, so that she will know. It can work to ask if information is ok to be passed on, but this would work best if a trusted source is asked rather than someone you don't know well.
Gossip usually contains some form of subtle or overt put-down of the person or people not present. I agree, Patch, that there are NTs who engage in gossip because it is satisfying to them in some way, and the reasons are numerous. It IS typical behavior for many NTs to gossip at times, myself included.That said, most NTs have made social blunders involving gossip as well - i.e. it gets back to the person that was being talked about.
I think a good way to deal with this confusion is to do your best in a conversation with others and either don't say anything or find a way to excuse yourself when the conversation takes a turn that makes you uncomfortable.
-- Karen
I know what you mean, Sharon. I have trouble telling the difference, too, and it makes me uncomfortable. Karen did a really nice job of delineating some of the reasons people talk about others. One problem is, you have to stick around and listen to find out for sure (if you CAN find out for sure what the motivation behind the talk is). Another problem is, in many situations where the original intent might have been to, say, get advice from someone about a conflict one is having with someone else, the advice session quickly turn into a 'let's vent and talk about everything that's annoying about the person in question session'. You know what I mean? It's a pretty natural progression that can turn an understandable conversation into something people probably would be better off not doing.
My faith tells us that speech that is true, but not nice, kills 3 people: the one who tells it, the one it's about, and the one who listens. If I can, I walk away when people are talking about others. It's funny, too, most people seem to learn not to do it around me without my even having to tell them.
Recently, I told my friend that I was uncomfortable knowing too much about whom he was describing- even though he was only talking about people in order to demonstrate a situation that would teach me something I wanted to learn. He perfectly understood, and altered his approach so that I would have no idea whom he was using as an example. That's one way I've gotten around talking about other people, myself, but it doesn't solve the problem of overhearing talk.
Gossip is really common. We all do it to a degree. I don't want to be judgmental about it when it happens, unless it's very mean. I just try to stay away from it so that I don't hurt anyone inadvertently or form a bad opinion of them. Goodness knows, I have enough problems socially
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Karen,
Thank you, and as always, your explanations are extremely helpful.
I must admit that this is a really difficult area for me to decipher as the variables are so vast. It seems like there are so many "what-ifs" that can change the tone of any conversation. It's challenging to keep up with!
Many thanks to all of you for chiming in.
I so struggle with this too, particularly when others are talking about someone who isn't there at the time. My daughter gets it totally, but still can't explain it so that I know what to say when. I used to think that if I'd said something to someone, to their face, it was ok to say the same thing about them to someone else...but it seems, not so. I've got in trouble so many times like this, so now I try hard to just keep quiet. Sadly, by bumptious enthusiasm still gets the better of me before I'm aware of it!
I share this confusion.
When is it "social chit-chat" and when is it breaching privacy and trust and just plain mean old gossip?!
This is one of the key reasons I try not to engage in social chit chat about others because I'm not sure where the line is, and I don't want to cross it...
Maybe there isn't a line, maybe the NTs just act as though it is ok sometimes because their degree of satifaction from engaging in it remains higher than the perceived damage to the other person... Maybe they only stop when they actively think about the fact it might hurt the person they are talking about.
Arlene