Do NT partners get sick of the questioning?
I am in a long term relationship. My partner is an NT - she is a scientist (microbiologist), a self confessed nerd, Buffy fan, scrabble player, gardner - with great social skills!
I tend to have a quite a few problems reading the subtle emotions or working out whether an emotional state is directed at me. SO - I ask a lot of questions like:
Are you ok?
Is anything wrong?
What are you thinking?
Most of the time she seems ok with this but I wonder whether she gets sick of it or whether there is a way that i could clarify things that is better?
Obviously she can answer these questions and she will but I wondered what others think.
Also I love the cartoon with Karen and Lori - with the reminders - so much like our house!!!
Thanks :)
Liane, don't you find that some of this is the result of maturing? I ask fewer questions than I used to, am "easier on the ears," my friends tell me. I am still, as you say, curious and innocently desirous to know, but I find that I am more conscious now that this can be exhausting for others and I think feeling a bit humble ... maybe bruised like an old banana? LOL.
Personally I feel more accepting, I guess, of myself and my place in this world. I don't really fit, but then, does that really matter? It's not so bad to be odd. And I find that with practice, I have gotten better at intuiting, at feeling empathy for what other people are going through. I do feel less disconnected, more clued in, as if life is less and less of a struggle for me. The paradox is that as I mature, I am probably more and more solitary. I used to have a number of friends and socialize actively, participate in activities, etc. Now I focus most of my energy on my kids, my husband and my work.
How is it that finding our center, accepting and loving ourselves, appreciating our own difference, can open up the drapes and make things so much brighter and clearer? It's like a trick of perspective. I'm still looking through the NT window from inside my own world, but where it was shuttered before, now I can see and appreciate what is out there. And if I want to, I can go out into that world, as myself, and get along okay.
I am so sorry your loss. You must miss your father terribly. I haven't yet lost a parent (and would be devastated), but a few years ago I lost my baby sister to cancer. Although my sister and I were not close in later years (we were friends, just not bosom buddies), she was in some respects my moral compass: an activist who devoted her life to bettering our world. I miss her.
Hi Katharine - thanks for your question! In my mind, the thing to do is to check in with your partner about this (as you said you planned to) and maybe come to an agreement if she is willing, that if she is not okay or if there is anything wrong then she will tell you. Then it's up to you to work on trusting that she will do that. I’m not at all implying that your partner is not trustworthy or that you will have difficulty trusting her. This is an issue that comes up between many couples regardless of NT/non-NT status. However as someone on the spectrum who does struggle at times to read the signs or emotions, it may be especially important for you to work out a clear way to communicate about this so that your mind can be put at ease and you won’t have to feel like you have to be overly vigilant in looking for the signs.
As for the "what are you thinking?" question - this is also comes up for many couples too, however it has a familiar ring to me personally. This issue came up between Lori and I more often in the earlier years of our relationship – even before she knew she was on the autistic spectrum. She would ask me pretty frequently what I was thinking and I recall having a lot of discussions and back and forth about me feeling like I was expected to tell her every little thing that went through my mind and this felt impossible to me. Over time and through a lot of discussion, it became apparent that what we were talking about was being open and honest about what I was thinking and feeling in general but especially as it applied to her. As I have mentioned in one of the other threads in this forum, what this meant for me is I had to learn to push past (sometimes way past) my comfort level and be as honest as possible, consistently, when something was wrong or I wanted or needed something from her.
In the beginning especially this was very, very difficult for me. It has gotten much, much easier over time although I can't say it's not still hard at times. This has helped me very much in other areas of my life to be less afraid to do this. I had been taught either directly or indirectly throughout my life to hide or mask my true feelings. I think some of this is an NT thing, some of it may be gender-related, but either way the result was that I had to learn a new way of being that would help make our relationship stronger and more solid. I’m not going to say I am totally honest with all people in all circumstances – I’m not, for various reasons and depending on the situation. But with my partner on the spectrum it has become very important for me to do so.
I think the essential point is to talk to your partner about what you mean by “what are you thinking?” Why are you asking it in that moment? More information from you to her will likely result in an open and honest and helpful answer from her.
Thanks also to Liane and Califmom for ringing in on this!
Karen
I also wonder about this, my husband says I ask too many questions sometimes =/
Hey- I am sorry to hear of your loss, too. I hope your baby sister is still finding ways to make the world better...
I think you might be right- that maturity helps. I am learning to be more quiet and at peace with not knowing things. I also tend to turn to the www more for answers. 
Thanks, Liane. If there is a heaven, she's up there organizing everyone and making sure everyone has a bunk!
I think it is harder for people on the spectrum to know what someone is thinking than for NTs. There are about a million things that NT people can decipher about someone without being told outright. They can also weed through the doublespeak and tell what people are saying even when they are saying something completely different from what they mean. I find that the more Karen tells me what she is thinking, the less I need to ask and the more likely I will understand something the next time. I have also learned that it is important for me to say what I am thinking too, even when I would rather be having my teeth drilled than talking about something hard.
My husband, most of the time, would love to tape my mouth shut with duct tape. I talk alot and ask alot of question. What is really frusterating is when you ask a question and the person tells you that you should already know that, and you really don't know. It makes me feel real dumb.
I'm sorry to hear that, Genisa and I can see it makes you feel this way. I know it's not the same as being heard and listened to in your relationship or "out loud," but please feel free to ask as many questions as you like here!
I have unwittingly gotten myself involved in three long-term relationships with people who avoid expressing their feelings... well, yeah, they may do it non-verbally, but I miss the cues. The last two were conflict avoiding people pleasers, and I thought it was enough to rationally say I didn't need that, be unconditionally loving and honest. I thought it meant I'd get the same in return. It's taken me a while to realize that people who will not share how they are feeling and what they are thinking (life is not perfect all the time... couples have issues) are not willing to do the relationship work for whatever reason.
In those relationships, I asked questions because my partners would not talk. For me, I need to learn how to discern strength of character--that is, how to tell if someone is a people-pleasing avoider because I have no desire to ever be in relationship with one again.
Also, now that I have a diagnosis I need to share that in the future when I might be entering into relationship. I don't think people understand that I say what I mean; it's neither trumped up nor stepped down. It is what it is. This must be particularly perplexing for people pleasing avoiders who are always trying to anticipate everything. I have given said people the benefit of the doubt way too often.
I really need people to be direct with me... I hope it's possible to find that sort of relationship. If someone were direct, I don't think I'd ask so many questions. As it was, I didn't worry in the relationships. I believed them to be as loving and good as they felt to be for me. Pity I couldn't read their cues.
The one thing that bothers my fiance most is the whole eye contact thing. but then again I also have a lazy eye which makes me self conscious. but even when that is not acting up it is difficult. Also he got annoyed with "you know what I mean?"
This thread made me smile, because it sounds just like what happens at my house.
Me: "Are you OK?"
K: "Yes, I'm OK."
Me: "Are you angry?"
K: "No! Why would you think that?"
Me: "Well, you sound angry."
K: "I'm angry now that you're asking me!"
..and so on.
I love your question, Katharine because I wonder the same thing! My husband will start shaking his head and setting his jaw giving me the hint he is done with my questions. He used to be able to kindly say 'Hey, why don't you call your dad now." That was my cue to call Dad and go back and forth with questions and answers. My dad was on the spectrum, so he loved the game. But now that my father has passed away, I have become a bit of a selective mute. I don't ask as many quesitons, nor engage in as many cool dialogues, but I say- it's a cool thing about ASD people. We are curious and bright and beautifully gracious in our innocent desire to know and discover.
Celebrating differences, Liane