feeling lower than low...
I feel like a failure as a human being. I can't do anything right. If I do work really hard at something, no one notices anyway. I feel invisable in this society and when I am not invisable, it is just so people have someone to hate and make fun of. I think God was mean when he made me the way I am. I work so hard, yet no one can see. To them, I just appear as a pathetic screwed up looser. What is easy for someone else is torcherously difficult for me. I am 35 and I have no money to help me learn to be NT or an acceptable person in this society. I am concidered a person that is damaged, and is irrepareable . Is live ever fair?
Genisa,
I can tell you are struggling and I feel that much of it is directly related to some of the stress you shared in another forum post which is directly linked to some of the negative name calling you have been enduring lately.
I will email you & we can chat soon. I want to see if Dr. Marti will schedule a meeting for the adult females on the spectrum who go to Williamsburg. Don't worry about transportation from Omaha to Lincoln, because we can figure something out. (ps: you've got my phone number...)
I feel better today. this is how I felt after our cub scout meeting last night. Our cubmaster had stepped down last month, and we all nominated a great leader to take her place. she has the ability to effectively communicate with others in the pack to get things done. She doesn't collapse under extreem stress. Last summer, as the packs cubmaster assistant, I picked up what the old leader wasn't doing and got things moving. Now, the only ones in our pack that knew of any of my hard word is one scout and their family. no one ever said thank you for my efforts. All I got was all of our former parents complaining about our then leader. those familiyes has moved on to boy scouts. our new cubmaster is great and hard working, and is getting plenty of praise in front of the pack. If it wasn't for me, the pack would have collapsed last summer. Anyway...I am supposely still a cubmaster assistant, but am not includeded in the planning, etc. Our cubmaster introduced "her new cubmaster", her husband. at the meeting last night, with no mention that I was still the other one. I don't want to sound like a complaining person, but I feel like they would rather me step down, but wont tell me. It is makeing me very angry, but I dont know how to bring this situation up with our new cubmaster. I also am currently an assistant for our Bears, that will be Webelos next year. the currrent Webelo one leader said that my husband will be the Webelo 1 leader( he has done NOTHING with Jaden this whole last year with all of Jadens activities. I did it ALL. He may have the title, but I did the work. (btw, Jaden completed all of his requirements by end of January, and finished 60 other activities to earn his gold arrow point and 5 silver arrowpoints. and he also earned 11sports and academic beltloops this year and 4 sports and academic pins. He earned the most in the whole pack, but I didn't get any recognitions at the leader ). any way back to what I was saying,... and the now webleo 1 leader will be the webelo two leader, and shse will be the assistant leader for the two. When I said I plan on being the assistant for webelo 1, I was told that I better not get in the way. (which I thought was very rude) I guess I talk too much and "interupt" and she doesnt' like it. I dont' try to do either of these, but I guess is part of my Aspergers. This whole Cub scouts things has been one big stresser, but Jaden loves it and I want him to continue and I like being a leader and helping him. Why can't I ever stand up for myself? Why do people write me off as a no body? I am doing my best, but that never seems to be enough
here is my e-mail that I just sent our cubmaster and the committee chair. I am thinking that it would be best to move to a different pack:I need to know what is expected of me in our pack. Am I still an Assistant Cubmaster? Last night, at the metting, your husband was introduced as your new assistant cubmaster, with no mention of me still being your assistant too. This hurt my feelings, as I feel like no one has apprecieated any of my effort to keep the pack together when Janet started to fall apart last summer. I got our pack through the summer, and earned the summer time pack award, when Janet canceled all activities, I got a couple planned. I worked hard to get communications going between the then webelos II and our then cubmaster, and get them to the the blue and gold. I guess there really is no one left in our pack that was here last summer, so no one knows what I did. Even this year, I did all of the activities with Jaden. Jerry did none. I also planned on being my husbands assistant as a Webelo I , since he is better at me at presenting what I plan for the den. I have found that It works well this way, as that is what we did to when Janet dropped out as the leader for the Wolves and my husband and I stepped up for a bit when no one else would. I guess Colleen wants to be the assistant to both the Webelos 1 and 2, with Jerry and Jeremiah as the leaders. when I said I was planning on being the webelo 1 assisant, I was told, as long as I don't get in thte way. Now that is insulting to me. I didn't know that I was in the way. I was doing my best. I have Aspergers, and some things are difficult for me, but I am good at alot of other things and I love to help out in any way that I can. I am beginning to feel that no one wants my assistance. I don't know what I did wrong, but I want you to know that I am doing the best that I can. Sorry if I can't get up and present very well infront of a bunch of people. that is part of my Aspergers. Genisa
Hey, Genisa. I just saw your post, and was sorry you were feeling low, but I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better now. It's interesting, I've been similarly down this week- it's like you took the words right out of my mouth- and today was somewhat better for me, too.
You don't get the credit you deserve. You do a lot for other people, and they don't have the right to nitpick about how you do things. Life isn't really fair, but that's no excuse for other people to make it more unfair.
Nobody's good at everything they do. My Mom can't keep a simple plant alive, and my Dad has no business trying to fix things. I can do both of those, but I can't always tell my left from my right. (That one lead to someone treating me like I was stupid yesterday). It's understandable to the world when my Mom chuckles and says 'I have a brown thumb', or my Dad hires a handyman. Unfortunately, when a person's weak areas are things that most other people do well (like telling left from right) the person is judged more harshly.
Nobody's got anything on you, Genisa. Their s**t stinks, too! Some might say it stinks much worse
.
Good letter you sent to them.
I probably burned any bridges with this letter to my packs cubmaster . The Pack is walking in a parade come Saturday. I am wondering if I should go, or just have Jerry, my husband and the kids go. I also don't know if what i am feeling is really what they are feeling. I don't know. I just know that I feel forgotton and left out, which is really nothing new to me in my life. I remember things to clearly. Little things build up and never go away. Right now, I am trying not to think of the whole situation as it causes extreem anxiety and I get the feeling like I just lost a close friend or like someone died. Maybe I lost myself. I really don't know who I am anymore. I feel great about myself, then little things like this happen, and I feel as worthless as a broken doorstop. Useless and unwanted, to be tossed to the trash. Will I ever be accepted for how I am?
or I could go to the parade with a handmade question mark stuck over my "assistant cubmaster" patch that is on my shirt. That would be concidered passive agressive, but how to you relay a statement if you have difficulty talking directly to people?
Genisa,
I hope you hear back from someone in the scouts about your letter. An explanation to you is only appropriate at this point.
I can completely relate to your confused and overwhelmed feelings when anxiety takes over. I am disappointed when I hear about these conflicts as it seems that so much of the responsibility to reach out and communicate falls on our shoulders. That is fine to the extent that we do our part, but what about NT's meeting us half way?
Genisa, I believe that you are doing a fantastic job with all the things you have done with respect to the scouts and your son's participation. I am really sorry that you are having to process so much stress at once. Hang in there!
The cubmaster e-mailed me back, and apologized that I felt this way, and that it wasn't her intentions. It was her first pack meeting that she led. I have a hard time knowing if someones actions, etc. are meant to be mean to me or if they weren't trying to be mean and I just mistook it for that. I have had so many people be mean to me, it is hard to know who is genuine and who isn't. I don't know who to trust with allowing them to know about my
Aspergers. Some are wanting to know what I need, and others just use it to oust me more. Carrie, our Cubmaster is a great person. She has worked really hard to keep all of her Tigers From Hell in her Den, and she has done a great job at not giving up on a couple that had horrible behavior. These few kids are actually a little better with their behavior at the pack meetings. ( one these kids turned around, during a flag opening ceremony, and said to Jaden, "I hate you", and that was with me standing right there. This, of course, up set Jaden alot and he started to screech and cry. ) It is really hard for me to get Jaden through these pack meetings, as the kids are very rambunctious, and some not very nice. At Wednesday nights meeting, Jaden couldn't understand why he couldn't help out with everything during the final award ceremony, and got upset that we didn't need him. It takes alot of planning on including Jaden in helping out with the pack meetings so that he feels useful, and it keeps him busy so he doesn't start getting overstimulated, and melting down, which he did anyway. He ran out into the hall, and I had to coax him back in so that I could present him with his awards that he and I worked very hard on all year. He was the only Bear scout in the pack this year, come the end of the year, and he has earned alot of awards, etc. I work one on one with him, and he does very well. We have a parade tomarrow, so I am sewing on the numerous patches on his and my uniform( my husband can manage his own. I just hope he doesn't glue them on like he did his last one, that he now needs to remove. lol)My thumb really hurts as I have stuck it with my sewing needle a dozen times now. I sewed 3 patches on my sons uniform and am working on two on my uniform. uggg. I am going to sew Jadens 3 silver arrowpoints on his shirt. His gold one fell off, and got lost. He earned 5 silver arrowpoints this year! that means he did 60 activiities and projects above and beyond his basic requirements for Bear rank. I'm a proud mama :-)
Genisa, I'm glad the scout leader wrote you back and said she didn't intend to slight you. I hope things will improve and that people remember to give you those pats on the back that you deserve for working so hard and caring so much. You amaze me with all that you do.
That's the thing. It is rare if anyone ever thanks me for anything, ever. I feel used alot. I love helping out and volunteering but people seem to just expect it.
Genisa, I can understand and relate. I had a somewhat similar experience being on the PTL (parent teacher league) at my sons' school. I took over the Boxtops for Education fundraiser, and did a stellar job. The prior year, total annual receipts were about $800. The year I took it over, I raised it up to $1200 for the year. Then, during the second year, I became very ill with depression, and had to be hospitalized, and had to step down from my role. I sent an email to all other members of the PTL, saying I had been very sick and had been hospitalized, and hence needed to step down. Not one single person even acknowledged my email at all, and there was not word of concern or even asking how I was, not even when I crossed paths with these people. I was never thanked or given any acknowledgement at all for doing the Boxtops for Education. I was just totally ignored and dismissed and treated as if I didn't exist. Well I personally believe that what goes around comes around, and that people don't get away with shoddy treatment of others. Eventually it will come back to them.
Do NT people really think we are clueless? Do they not know that we can see through their falsities? I am so frusterated with people saying one thing, then doing another. Treating me like I am not there, and the more I try to help, the more they act like I am in the way.