Following rules
Hello,
I'm not absolutely positive this qualifys as Ask an NT - but I'm running out of places to turn, and thought there might be some perspective here.
The main question: Why (does it seem) do NTs have such trouble following rules?
More specifics to narrow the response space: Today, it was traffic laws and conventions. And I do want to say I understand my concerns do not apply to ALL NTs, but I dont know that the people to whom I refer are anthing but NTs?
Now, as I understand it, a law is more-or-less a rule, agreed upon by society, that needs to be followed for the smooth operation of day-to-day life and carries a legal penalty if not followed. People are supposed to learn traffic laws and pass a test in order to be able to operate a vehicle (one of the LAWS, I thought). Traffic laws are pretty simple (is tihs a misconception?). When I drive, I follow the laws and regulations to a T. However, this seems to continually result in other drivers actualy breaking laws around me! (e.g. because i actually drive the speed limit, or stop for pedestrians, drivers will try to go around me, even if it means driving on the wrong side of the street!) I dont get it - except in some really abstract/intellectual way that the other driver 1) is so distracted they dont realize I am another moving vehicle and am paused for a reason and not parked, 2) dont CARE that I am paused for a reason, 3) somehow have forgotten about the laws they were supposed to have learned and dont realize they are breaking one. But the total cluelessness of these drivers still stumps me. What's more, if you manage to catch one of these drivers and point out that they broke a law, they do one or more of the following: 1) deny they broke the law, 2) deny there is a law (even after being shown a printout from the applicable DMV regulations and traffic code), 3) have a "so what" response, 4) try to accuse me of being some sort of weirdo or idiot, 5) never ask what they can do to fix it, 6) never seem to receive any sort of punishment whatsoever. (That's all I can think of right now, but I'm not sure that covers everything.)
Contrast: if I break a rule or law (which happes rarely, but I do make the occasional mistake), I am 1) devistated, 2) try to figure out how to make restitution - ultimately, I pay plenty for any mistake I make.
NTs just dont seem to suffer to the same extent that I do. And it has a huge negative impact on me when I see almost every day so many people out there breaking rules and either being totally oblivious or not caring that their misstep has cost the smooth flow of society and created chaos. Really, how do NTs do it?
Thank you for considering this post,
Celeste
I believe that part of the reason that this problem happens is that people are in too much of a hurry to care. That beeing said don't agree with it, however I agree with karen that if you drive slower than the flow of traffic (even if you are driving the speed limit) that it could cause some safety issues as well. and passing in the other lane is legal as long as it is not in certain areas and it is safe to do so.
Celeste, that is such an on-point question - maybe one of the most pressing and important question that people on the spectrum have. Yes, I agree, this is such a big one that it is not at all easily answered. I agree with you that if you follow the law then you do have something to back you up if there are problems and I could see why you might decide to go with that to be on the safe side and protect yourself.
Following norms or trying to decipher them in the first place involves a level of risk - emotional or otherwise - that you may or may not be willing to take. On the road, it seems somewhat less risky in terms of what I said about "going with the flow of traffic." I know this doesn't account for nearly all of the situations you mentioned and encounter from day to day.
If we are not talking about driving per se, or maybe even if we are, it seems like it is about making a decision about whether you follow or emulate what the majority of people around you are doing, i.e. "the norm" or what people you know and trust are doing, within your own comfort zone. What I mean is that of course if the majority of people around you are doing something that you think is horrendous or would never do, even if it seems to be the norm, then of course it is best to follow your own gut instincts.
I wish I could answer this question better. My NT brain finds it difficult to tackle the enormity of it, and I am truly not trying to cop out. I just don't know how to answer it. Anyone else care to take a shot at this?
- Karen
CelesteS, you said, "I still have difficulty on an emotional(?) level."
I have AS, and here's what has helped me: I realized that my discomfort over others breaking rules seemingly at random was being expressed in the form of angry feelings and being judgmental (They're doing it WRONG!) I don't like to feel confused and angry, but that would actually feed on itself because I would feel more angry that other people wouldn't just do things right and spare me the discomfort.
Anyway... here's what my mindfulness instructor taught us to do when we notice ourselves judging--try to make up a reason that the other person might have had for their behavior. For example, "That guy is speeding because his wife is in the car and she's about to have a baby." The important thing is not for it to be the real reason (because you won't know) but to realize that the other person *has* a reason for what he's doing, and his reason is probably not that he's trying to upset you.
Sometimes, the reasons she came up with were kind of funny which helped, too. Here's a funny one: A guy in the next car flipped her off. She decided that maybe he had only one finger and was trying to wave hello! Of course, we all knew that probably wasn't the real reason, but it was a funny reason which made her laugh and helped her feel less angry.
CelesteS,
I think that's really insightful... that anger can come from being frightened. I think the key here is noticing what you're feeling and the pattern of your reactions so that you can pause just a tiny bit and consciously decide how you want to respond when it happens again.
About judging... it's not that we shouldn't judge or that we should excuse other people's bad behavior. The mindfulness instructor was just trying to get us to *notice* when we were judging and decide how to respond with our thinking behavior (by making up reasons, for example) in a way that would help us calm and self-regulate instead of reacting in our usual pattern of becoming more upset and angry.
I guess my post is more about how I learned to handle the problem (which was my discomfort over anonymous people doing things wrong that I had no way to address) rather than an explanation of why people break rules.
Celeste,
Thank you for writing. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be to you and I bet others have experienced similar frustrations. I do agree that laws in general and specifically driving laws are meant to be followed. When I was in driving school, forever ago, I was told to follow the speed limit. But I was also told to "go with the flow of traffic." To me that has meant that if most people are going a little bit over the speed limit, or in the cases of rush hour or other reasons for a slowdown, going under the speed limit, the best thing to do is to approximate the speed of the drivers around me for safety reasons. It's more clear in the case of a slowdown, because obviously if someone is speeding through slow traffic, an accident will surely be the result. It's much less clear in the case of people who are speeding to be with the flow of traffic, but then speeding even faster than "a little" is also very dangerous. I know that drivers do all kinds of crazy and unsafe things out there and it's frustrating, scary and often dangerous.
In my view as an NT, there are laws, but then there are also norms. The law on the highways where I live is that the speed limit is 65mph. However the norm is that people drive up to 70mph and I do this too. On the other hand, I become enraged when people can't seem to understand that the little stick on the side of the steering wheel is not just decorative, it is actually a turn signal and they should use it! So that's a contradiction and we NTs are full of them. People do all sorts of unsafe things on the road, such as in your example of people going around you even when they are driving into oncoming traffic. I do worry that you pointing out the law to an unsafe driver could result in harm to you. I don't know what area you live in; where I live, doing so could result in verbal attacks at best and grievous bodily injury at worst. Please don't hear that I think that it is wrong for you to feel how you feel - I am more concerned that acting on your feelings could cost you a lot. Please excuse the digression!
As far as laws vs norms, my feeling is that norms can also assist the "smooth operation of day to day life," as you put it. I know this is not the same as driving but I will give an example. It is illegal to panhandle in many areas, however it is the norm to do so. If every panhandler were arrested, the jails would be even more overcrowded than they already are and police would be less available to deal with violent crime. So a certain amount of "non-aggressive" panhandling is tolerated as a norm. Although panhandlers can be irritating or scary to other folks on the streets, in general it is seen as a norm in day to day urban life. I also would like to point out that some laws in this country (not sure if you are from the U.S.) were horrible and discriminatory - some still are. And over time, attitudes changed, norms changed and then laws changed. If everyone had followed the rules forever, those laws would still be in effect, causing continued misery on many fronts.
Again, I know that you are specifically talking about driving here and I am not in any way implying that your questions are not legitimate and important or suggesting that we should break driving laws as a civil disobedience. I just want to say that strict adherence to the law in general, does not always serve the best interests of society, in my view.
Now I understand this is very easy for me as an NT to say, because there is a way that I have learned to understand norms that many people on the autistic spectrum don't have the luxury of "getting." Norms differ from community to community and from setting to setting. One thing that may help is to ask people you trust who live in your community about how they see the norms vs the laws of driving. How do they manage the norm even if it's not strict adherence to the law?
I wish I could answer the question about how NTs do it, that is, seemingly avoid the suffering and negative effects of seeing people breaking laws and breaking laws themselves. I know the fact that our brains are "wired differently" than people on the spectrum is not a very satisfying answer. I'm hoping that other folks will respond to this and talk about how they cope with these issues.
I just want to say in conclusion that I am so very glad to hear that you stop for pedestrians!
-- Karen