Hi everyone,
Last night’s amazing event, Exhaling Beauty: An Evening Celebrating Females with ASD's, inspired me to write this post. I want to acknowledge that a large part of this post is from a response that I wrote to someone in an email exchange. It also contains information that I have posted in part elsewhere. It would be great to hear other stories from females on the spectrum and what they found has worked or not worked with their NT partners.

When Lori found out that she had Asperger's at age 38, it was a revelation for both of us, after five years together. For me, the main things that changed were my understanding of why she did some of the things she does - such as rocking, echolalia, aversion to loud noises, flashing lights and other types of stimulation, for example. It also brought out understanding of how my ability to communicate carefully and clearly would be crucial to us understanding each other and continuing to have a good relationship.

What this means from day to day is that I need to do my best to explain myself fully, sometimes trying different ways and different words if there is something Lori doesn't understand. It's hard to put all of your cards on the table, but over the years it's really become much easier. I would never say it’s totally easy, though – it’s harder at some times than others. For me, it means letting go of trying to keep my thoughts and feelings from her, which isn't easy. I have learned to be very truthful and forthcoming - something that we aren't really taught to be and it took me a long time to unlearn holding stuff back. Most of the time she won't understand what I mean by a look or by expecting her to read my mind. She can't. Even though this is true from NT to NT at times, NTs tend to use a lot of non-verbal language that many or most people on the spectrum just don't get.

This truthfulness also includes telling Lori when I don't want to talk about something in the moment or I need a break or I need to be alone for awhile to take care of myself. Even if sometimes she may be hurt by it, she knows I have my own needs too. I have to say that with practice, just saying what I really think and feel can actually be pretty liberating and has become second nature a lot of the time. It has also helped me with my friends, co-workers, etc. Although I am of course more circumspect with people other than Lori, it's good to just be able to be pretty consistently honest about what I am thinking. Sometimes it's hard, if I have to struggle to explain myself in ways she will understand but she actually gets me very well - which is one reason why we fell in love in the first place.

I also try to help her understand NT behavior although of course there are lots of times that I can't really explain why NTs do the things we do! I try to help her understand what is expected of her in certain situations. I also tell her when there is something I need her to do that will cause her to step outside of her comfort zone. I try not to do this too often, only when it’s very important to me.

I can tell you that as an NT, there are still plenty of times when I can’t step out of my comfort zone either, or it’s very difficult. Social norms have been ingrained in me all of my life. Even when I know something doesn’t make sense or is ridiculous, there are times when it’s hard for me to fight against my upbringing and I will ask Lori to dress differently for a certain occasion, for example. Often we are able to find ways that will make things easier such as a way for her to “escape” or making sure she has something else to occupy her if needed.

As with any relationship, compromise is the key. For years, Lori suffered through things like my work parties, where she didn’t know anyone that well and didn’t feel comfortable with the small talk or having to listen to hours of talking about things that didn’t interest or include her. Similarly, I don’t go to many of her web or computer events. As a result, there are many things I will do socially without her. Even though that can be hard for both of us, the alternative is often way worse, again, for both of us. All relationships take work, and that work can bring tremendous rewards, not just with love relationships but with friendships and other types of relationships too.

My relationship with my partner on the spectrum can be difficult and challenging at times, and is also and more often inspiring, amazing, loving and wonderful. There are so many aspects of her that are “classically Aspie” that I love and adore. We are truly a team and I’m very lucky to have found her. As I’ve mentioned in other places, the myths that people on the spectrum are incapable are empathy and love are just that, myths. The ways that these things are expressed may look different from NTs some or all of the time. Learning to embrace these ways is a big step towards embracing difference and uniqueness – something I believe more and more people really need to do to make this world a place of comfort and acceptance for everyone.