How to explain the need for downtime to others?
Like many Aspies, I need lots of downtime or time spent alone. When people ask me what I did for the weekend, though, I'm not sure what to tell them without sounding anti-social or weird because I spent it reading, doing housework (very slowly and meticulously), taking naps or writing in a journal. I also have a hard time making excuses for not going to parties because most people don't understand (without being told that I'm an Aspie -- something I can't always disclose) that it stresses me out so much that it's no fun. At the same time, I don't want to lie.
I've recently spent a lot of time reading about AS, having recently found out about it and suspecting I am one, and I definitely don't want to tell people I spent the weekend doing that as they may judge me negatively.
Has anyone else had this problem? What do you tell people when they ask what you did over the weekend when you just spent it recovering from socializing or learning about your AS? How do you excuse yourself from parties to avoid a stressor without sounding rude (especially if you are a poor liar)?
Thanks in advance for your input...
I rarely tell people I have Aspergers anymore especially when declining an invite. I used to but even when an NT thinks they understand they really don't. Some just didn't believe me at all and claimed that I just think I have it but I really don't which just infuriates me. After thirty years of hell and misdiagnosis finding out I has Asperger's was a relief. Now I understand "why" and I have finally come to some peace in my life.
I usually just say no, I have things I need to do. If they don't like it then thats on them. I have to make sure I am OK first. Sometimes I am not, if I don't have my low impact time I really don't function well at all.
If it is a birthday or something I do try to send a card to acknowledge it or send a gift with someone I trust.
Yeah - what is with the NTs who don't know much about it yet think they can comment and say "well I don't think you have that". Maybe if they actually knew something about it and weren't speaking from ignorance they would understand.
I had this issue the other day in hospital and a member of staff who I actually like very much told me I was going through a phase thinking I had Asperger's and I couldn't have it because I'm too smart and sociable (I'm really not that sociable, but I am when she sees me because I am around people who I feel safe with).
Argh. It's just so frustrating when people say "I don't think that's really you" when they have this warped and kindergarten idea of what ASDs are.
OK - vent over.
My response is similar to Patchmonk83's -- I just say I was relaxing, or catching up on a few things. I've learned not to go into too many details with folks that don't quite understand. I'm not lying, but I'm not opening the door to stuff either.
Thanks for posting, Leaf, and to everyone else for replying. I wasn't really sure if I was supposed to reply since I think the question was directed to other people on the spectrum and not something you were asking an NT. I will say though, that you certainly have the right to downtime, to spend your weekend as you wish and to tell others as much or as little as you like about how you spent this time. Ignorance comes in many forms. A lot of NTs who don't understand the autistic spectrum try to downplay it or "make it better" by assuring others that they are not autistic. This is not always coming from a place of malice but the result, I imagine, still feels invalidating and belittling and creates an even wider gap in understanding between people on the spectrum and NTs.
There is a way in which NTs will never truly understand the experience of people on the spectrum. It is my hope though, that the more people such as yourselves speak out about it - and I'm talking about in a forum such as this, for example- not necessarily making yourself vulnerable and putting yourself out there to people to whom you don't feel comfortable talking about your spectrum status - the more we NTs can learn about and respect the various needs of people on the spectrum.
-- Karen
Hi Karen: Thank you for posting your response. I think it was spot on.
Hi Leaf,
I think you have good suggestions as to what to answer about your weekend. People ask how was your weekend, to be nice, and maybe because they may care or maybe curious. But you on the other hand are not obliged, because someone asked you, have to provide a detailed answer. You don't have to justify what you do. You can say, thank it was good and relaxing, how about yours? If you don't want to spend time talking about you, you can always return the question, pronto.
As for giving a reason for not coming to a party. that's harder, specially if lying is not your thing, because for the record, the best excuse is when you invoke an external cause, or another commitment. People can't then blame you for anything.
I usually use the other commitment, and apologize to not be able to come. People usually are just fine with that. The definition of commitment varies. For me, I can have a commitment with myself, LOL. In fact, in all seriousness, we always have something better to do. So just say that you can't make it, you have another commitment. And you can completely make it up while you apologize for not coming. You ask that person if she or he would be into having a face to face for lunch, dinner, parc, at home, whatever you are inclined to commit to that is on your term. That way to choose to see that person face to face rather than at a party. That way you are not you are not telling your friend "I'm not interested in spending time with you", which some NT could interpret when you say no for a party.
If that friend knows you well enough, you may say that parties are too stressing for you, and that is nothing to do with the person inviting you. If you don't know the person well enough, I'm not sure it's worth going into explanations that in the end make you feel worst than before. Some people can't handle the truth...so why bother?
I'm a bit cynical... I admit. but some NT people are lost cases.
I don't think you should have to answer to these people at all. Do what makes you feel fine. Its okay to stay home and read or clean. If you feel the need to clean and are done at your house, feel free to come to mine! No judgement here! I am the parent of an Aspie and I think you guys need to be given more freedom to just be who you are. Be Blessed!
I agree... it's okay to choose to stay home.
If someone where closer to you and you've not revealed you have Asperger's and don't want to (ever or yet), and that particular person notes that you don't do a lot of social things and you don't want to blow off the person, it would be okay to say you need time to yourself to recharge your batteries. People who are NT and introverted need that sort of time. I've always told people I was a homebody, and if we got into an extroversion/introversion discussion, I seem extroverted, but I will tell them that I get my energy being alone not from others... I just play extroverted on TV sort of thing.
At my best (when I wasn't disabled), I can't handle more than two social engagements a week. Church used to be one of them and then dinner or lunch with someone or out to the movies. And that was extremely busy for me.
I don't think it has to be anti-social at all. A lot of NTs need downtime, too (I'm one of them). Explain that you get tired out by all that goes on during the week (be it work, school, anything) and you use the weekend to recoup, get your head together, get your energy back, etc. Most people will understand. If they don't, and try to pressure you to go out anyway, or accuse you of being anti-social, tell them it's something you need to do. If they still don't understand, don't bother with them. They're not worth it.
Leaf. I don't think you ever have to justify yourself to others. Relaxing and reading are fine activities.
Many years ago, I loved reading Judith Martin's "Miss Manners" books. They are funny and easy to read. They also provide easy phrases that are super-corret/polite.
If you are invited to an event you prefer not to attend, you can say, "Thank you for thinking of me! Unfortunately, I can't attend. I already have plans." Then stop talking. Good manners do not require you to say any more. If your plans are to by lying on the couch, those are your plans. Others do not need to know -- unless you choose to tell them.
Happy reading.
I like your suggestion, Natalia. I tend to be polite yet direct in the way you suggested. It's always worked fine for me.
I tell them I was 'relaxing' or having some 'me time'.
Arlene