I am so, so tired of being yelled at by my husband.
He yells at me what seems like all of the time lately. He accuses me of moving his things and loosing them. I have done this absent mindlessly occasionally, but not all of the time. After the item is found, i will usually know which. He calls me mean names too, and insults me. He told me I was the stupidest thing on this earth. What a nice thing to say to your wife in front of your kids.
We don't have anyone to watch the kids while we go. My thearpist is trying to help us through alot of issues, but I can't only afford to drive there once every two weeks. She is helping me understand myself better. Once every two weeks isn't enough for just me. What would be ideal would be to be able to see her once a week, and at least once a month with my husband. As of right now, we are trying to get info from my husband via e-mail, ( to send his "complaints" or whatever), so that we can start somewhere. It seems my brain has been tuning him out and not registering the words. What I don't like is the yelling. I can't block out the noise. He really hates it when I don't respond, but I don't care to get into a yelling match. I don't allow my emotions to be turned on. I just talk in a calm voice and I contiue whateve I was doing. I told him if he wants me to help him find something, then he needs to ask nicely, without yelling. I told him that I refuse to do anything if he is yelling or rude to me. I feel like I am training a dog at times.
You know... if not for the financial problems I'd suggest you take your boys and get the heck out of there. Yelling at you and the complete lack of understanding for your troubles, not to mention the lack of willingness to achieve understanding, points to emotional/psychological abuse. If you can't get some helpful counselling going, and you don't sound like it's practically and financially possible, I suggest you look into leaving him. He's not treating you well and that's NOT OKAY.
I know I'm pretty harsh about this, but I saw my mom suffer emotional and psychological abuse from my father - not to mention the abuse he levelled at my brother and me - all because she thought it was better for us to be raised by our parents together. Now he has divorced her because he got bored, and he never really was a father to us anyway, so it was kinda all in vain. I don't want what happened to my mum to happen to anyone else 'cause it is hell and it destroys the soul, so if you feel he's being abusive to you (which of course, I can't quite tell, but what you wrote points me towards it), you should really consider whether the relationship is worth your energy, when you also have yourself and your diagnosis as well as your kids and their well-being to spend energy on.
Serously. Bad relationships are not worth the time and energy spent on keeping them from the inevitable break-down/break-up.
I hope you'll be okay.
(((hugs)))
Genisa, I'm not a mental health professional, but I used to volunteer for a local domestic violence center. You're going through verbal and psychological violence, and it usually escalates into physical violence. You don't deserve it. No one does. You deserve to live in a place that's safe, and so do your children. If you have a local domestic violence hotline or center, I'd suggest getting in touch with them, and be sure your husband doesn't find out. They can offer help, and temporary emergency housing if you need it. I'd also document every instance of yelling and abuse, and share it with a phone counselor at the domestic violence center, if you do contact them. That way there's a documented record of the abuse. I'm not going to offer advice on how to handle him when he does get abusive, because I don't know what would set him off and make matters worse. I'm not a social worker, and I'm not qualified to give that kind of advice. But counselors at domestic violence centers are trained in how to deal with the abuse, and often, social workers do work with them.
Try to stay safe. My thoughts are with you.
Sorry, I overlooked that you're seeing a therapist, Genisa. I'm glad you are. I hope it helps. But it sounds like your husband is the one who needs to see a mental health professional.
As someone who just posted a rant about her relationship, I second what Wollstonecraft posted. Verbal abuse is abuse.
All of us explode in rage once in a while. But continually yelling and calling you names is not acceptable.
If you can, tell him that the behavior is not acceptable and must stop now. If you do think he will escalate, you probably need to send him off or find other shelter for you and the kids.
Hang in there.
We are trying to see my thearpist more often, but each time getting him to go is frusterating. He will go, but he makes sure that I know he doesn't want to. We go once a month, as long as I can afford to drive there. The only problem is that after a month has gone by, much has been lost and it is like starting all over. We need more appointments, closer together if this is going to help any. The other day, he stated that is isn't fair that I get to see her by myself(once a month) and when he sees her, it is with me(once a month). I told him, well... the insurance is paying for me to see her, not him. If he would like to see her for himself, we can work on that. He still has a hard time of seeing anything from my point of view and tends to be very self centered on what he wants, and I have to jump through all of the hoops. Marriage is a 50-50, however, depending on what part it is, I tend to have to do more of the work, get less of the free time, and have to give in always to keep the peace. Lately, he just seems to want to argue all of the time. I can't really discuss anything with him. I don't feel connected much anymore with him. I am the one that keeps the family financially stable, as in, the "financially responcible one". He can't figure out how to balance a checking account. He thinks that if it states a balance, that is what it should be, wheather he just wrote a check, etc. He doesn't follow the "availabile balance" and then subtract any outstanding checks,auto withdrawls, fees, etc. out. I have very good credit, which I have really had to work for(I have horrible memory issues, and to pay credit card payment and auto payments and rent on time every time has not always been easy. ). If it wasn't for my good credit, we would really be in trouble, as at times, we rely on my credit card to get us through tough months. I always say," bills get payed first. then other needed things. Last is things we want, and there is rarely any extra for any of that. I have had to do some bill juggling, and that really makes me nervous. An unexpected trip out of town to visit with my husbands famliy was a huge financial strain on my credit card( but he doesn't understand this) as he thinks it is possible to go back next summer, if his mom is still alive. The only reason I agreed to just pick up and go see her is becasue of a letter he recieved from his aunt stating his mom was in bad health(cancer is currenly in remission, she is severely underweight, has COPD, emphazema, and does NOT follow her drs. orders, just like her son(who is my husband). Anyway,.. Financial issues cause a lot of our arguements, or how to handle the kids when they are not behaving(our youngest, 5, is very defiant, and loves testing his boundaries and pushing mommies and daddies buttons to see how much he can get away with. When it comes to parenting issues, we are rarely on the same page at all. THIS, creates a lot of resentment, on my part, as I need him backing me when it comes to disapline. Another issue, that really stirred up some frusteration, and added the feeling of distance between him and me, was the issue of my sons immunizations. Our school was demanding that he get the remaining few that he needed before school started. I was trying to get the Dr. to write a medical waiver, as I see was the most appropriate, as my son is on a different vaccine schedule, and much more spaced out, and my husband was not backing me on this. I saw what they did to my older son, when given according to how the government wants them admisistered. I refuse to let anyone harm my kids. I just wish I knew now what I didn't know then. Anyway, I told him that he was going to go with me and get a religious waiver noterized and he was going to sign it with me and support me on this. He let me know he was not happy with having to go and do this(took away from his precious time playing the xbox "shoot 'em up game". ). I even got him to go to the second meeting for our oldest sons MDT meeting. The first one lasted 2 1/2 hours. The second one was just 1 1/2 hours(at 7:30AM), which my husband attended, and made sure to let me know that I was crazy for setting this time for the meeting. I told him it was NOT my choice for this time. I was told that I needed to comprimise with the time, as this was about the only time any of his teachers, or the principals, etc. could get time to do this. uggg. Well, we at least all agreed on something for the MDT. I didn't push the "A" diagnosis(autism) if they didn't push the "behavior disorder" thing. I kept telling them that the behaviors that he was exhibiting was due to his autism and his sensory integrations disorder. NOW for the next meeting which is the IEP meeting(to plan his IEP) His last MDT meeting included the IEP meeting and we had it all done is two 1 1/2 hour meetings for a total of 3 hours. It took 4 hours just for this MDT meeting and to all come to an agreement on verification, etc. I have an advocate that I take to these meetings( on my 3rd advocate as the turnover seems quite high), and she takes notes for me, and advocates for me and my sons needs. My husband doesn't like going to these things, and getting what my son needs was not happening, so that is why I originally got the advocate. My son is now, full time, at his district school, and no longer attending a level 3 school. I worked very hard for this. My husband really is more of the comlaicent type. Doesnt really care what happens. But if I make a case, show him proof, of things not being done, then he gets angry, but that is it. I have to be the one to push it into action.
Yikes! I'm curious about how you respond when he does this.
My husband can tend to respond like a petulant child if he'd rather not help me or the kids with something. This models petulance for the kids, and when they display it, my husband is furious with them and doesn't understand why they do it or where they learned it.
We are working with behaviorists who are helping him to understand how to keep his emotions in check so that he models calm and attentiveness for the kids. This helps a great deal, but I find it takes a lot of regular reminders for it to sink in.
For some reason, it's much easier for my husband to hear this from professionals than it is for him to hear it from me.
Marriage counseling can be very helpful. Have you two tried it?