I'm so confused, life is falling apart, I don't know what I'm doing wrong
I don't know why things are falling apart. Well, not everything, but many things.
I'll start with tonight and work backwards, I guess. We were having our family Christmas, a week late, yes, but that's when we could "all do it" except for me, I had plans, but I changed them because I was pressured to by my mom. I live with my mom and dad, my sisters are both out of the house with kids and husbands. My brother lives in California and isn't involved in this. I got laid off last week and have been hinting to my mom all week that I can't afford to buy the kids gifts, she would say "only spend $10 each!" (there are 10 of them) "only buy for the younger kids!" (still 4 of them), "only do what you can!" (I have $1100 worth of bills this month mom and only $400 in my account, I can't do anything!).
It turned into a big fight, I don't know why? My mom said "it's Christmas, and it's for the children!" well, they had plenty of gifts each? So I said, it's dumb that I have like a bunch of medical bills in collections that I can't pay, so I finally put my foot down and said I am not buying anything. My dad said if I didn't have horses, I could afford to buy people gifts, and if I could hold down a job (I didn't really lose my job, it was a temporary assignment and ended when the contract said it would) that I wouldn't die a miserable old lady, alone. What the heck?
Whenever someone mentions the thought of my horses leaving me, I get very hurt, it just breaks my heart to think of not having them. My mare, Gracie, is my best friend. My gelding Chip is too, but if push came to shove and I had to sell one he is quite valuable and would do okay without me, Gracie is a one-person horse. Anyway, the thought of this just hurts, it doesn't make me angry, it hurts my heart inside. A little back story, I had to put my dog of 15 years to sleep on Tuesday, today is Thursday. My heart HURTS. So upon all this real heartache, and perceived "possible future heartache" (thinking WHAT IF...) about the horses, I just lost it, I saw green (my color for pain) and next thing I know I have a headache and the wall is broken. I banged my head against the wall until it BROKE... I am so ashamed of myself. (and have a BIG freakin headache!)
How do our fights get so big? Why do I act like a 2 year old? I didn't mean to. My dad, who usually threatens to "kick my ass" (no, he has never touched me that way, ever) and kick me out of the house was actually pretty nice about it, my mom less so. She said I need anger management. That's well and fine, except I wasn't angry.
I DID end up going to Christmas, sans gifts, my family was quite understanding when I told them the circumstances. The younger kids seemed upset, but they never acknowledge my presence anyway, so I guess getting the cold shoulder isn't unusual. My sisters and their husbands were very nice to me. I did cry during dinner a few times, but only after my sister said "sorry about Molly" (my dog).
Which leads to the job. Why don't they hold up? This company said if I did good, they would hire me on, I thought every day I was doing good, and every day my boss would tell me I wasn't fast enough, even though I was faster than most, almost as fast as her! She didn't even know my name, every day she called me Tiffany (my name is Gina). I've had so many jobs and I've lost them all, except for a couple that I quit. I try so hard, I don't know why I struggle so much.
I did have an interview at a temp agency (which, if you're doing temp is better than working just temp through a company) on Wednesday, so I am hoping I will have a job soon.
There's a lot of other stuff too, I guess I just needed to vent and find out if anyone has any advice.
Gina,
I hope you will have a better New Year. I'm very sorry to hear of all the stress you've been dealing with. Hang in there, and know that we're not far away when you need to vent.
I second what Cathy said, these stressful times will pass. Here is wishing you the best 2011 possible, okay!
Thanks Cathy and Sharon, I really appreciate your kind words, and the support I get here.
Things seem so much better now that it's out a few days. My head still hurts, and the cracked wall is an awful reminder... but things seem more tangeable and easy to deal with right now than they did.
You really touched me and I cried when I read your story. I guess I feel the same way. I just lost my social security and even had a lawyer present. I lost so many people in my life and it never seems to be enough for people when I do go. You have to find something special that made your dog thing you are wonderful to you and what you this is special to you. focus on that. maybe make something for your dog so you can look at it and maybe tlak to her even. i lost my grandfather who was my dad to me my grandmother who had cancer during which followed my divorce my best friend who was with our family who didnt really take care of us but did when my dad was little die of cancer and all this happen so quickly that I found out that these people teach you something it hurts more then ever but now your really not alone because they are there with you. i will help you if you want. i know its so hard and people will tell you it gets easy. it really doesnt but it doesnt when something get's brought up again. and then you miss them. i talk about the happy times with them to my family if they want to listen or just smile when i see there picture. you can do this with your dog. i hope you maybe have something soft to squeeze. but i feel for you. i'm here and it wont be as bad as time moves on .
Thinking about you, Gina.
Stop by with an update if you feel like it sometime. If not, that's fine too (sometimes I get exhausted discussing hard topics - do you guys?).... we'll see ya around the forum. 
I've always known I had Auuuutism (I can't even say it these days)! But I was recently diagnosed and it just seem to stop my world. I am a trauma survivor. I now believe that some of my horrible experienced trauma I've dealt with all these years might have been a result of my strange childhood behaviors. All the years I spent trying to integrate and heal and couldn't seem to do it with traditional talk therapy now finally makes sense. However now I just feel like it's never going to happen. I've moved into this hopeless space. I feel like an alien in this world. I feel like I don't fit or belong. Anywhere. I feel like I'm this alien who was brought to the wrong planet. I'm 42 long past the years of intervention. I feel alone. I can't even spend time with other people on the spectrum. Aurora are too quiet like me and there is nothing to discuss and Aspies don't seem to grasp that an Autie needs way more space than they do. I just feel broken and like I've wasted my life beating my head on a wall that will never fall for me. I don't want to tell anyone of my dx. I think they will thing all kinds of sorted things; that it's bullshit cause they only know the faking compensating me, that I'm a freak and not understand, or that they will think I just need to push myself past my fears. These are all things I've already experienced. I have found myself just totally withdrawing from the world completely. I don't want to speak my friends cause they don't get it I don't want to talk to my therapist cause they don't seem to get it. No one seems to. An ASD friend reminded me of you all. I used to be a member here. No reason for vanishing, just life got crazy. Both my daughters have ASD and I can't been help them. I just wanna run away from the world and humans forever.
Gina,
I'm so sorry to hear that everything came crashing down all at once, and especially about the loss of Molly. That sounds very difficult. Dealing with family during the holidays is always stressful for me because people always seem to have unrealistic expectations that it will be some kind of Norman Rockwell painting. (Not!)
I think you have a good plan working through the temp agency for now, but keep your eyes open for a job working with horses, too.
Hang in there! This stressful time will pass.
Warmly,
Cathy