Learning non-verbal cues
I am curious--do NT parents teach NT children explicitly about things like facial expressions, body language, polite social lying, and all the cues we aspies have trouble with? Or is it all stuff that NT's teach themselves in the course of growing up? My parents were slightly aspie-ish themselves, although undiagnosed, so there was no discussion of this stuff. They knew I was odd, but they were odd also, and I wasn't diagnosed until after they had passed. Slowly trying to learn now in adulthood and the whole process feels so odd--there aren't even that many books about this stuff, at least not in a comprehensive sense, you have to pick up a little knowledge from this area, a little from that, etc.
As an NT, of course I can only speak for my own parents and I can tell you that I was definitely not taught many of these things explicitly. I learned more by watching and observing my parents and the people around me, both adults and kids my age, particularly in school and imitating them. My mother may have talked to me a few times about "white lies" though I like your term "polite social lying" much better. I agree that there does not seem to be too much information out there for people on the spectrum who were diagnosed (either self- or formally) as adults who are trying to understand all the meanings of looks, expressions, cues, forms of speech, etc that have been missed and continue to be missed.
All that said, I do believe there are NT parents who do explicitly teach some of these things - what a look can mean or be used to convey. My stereotyped example of this, is something like: wealthy families who have a lot at stake socially (and by extension financially?) who need to make sure their kids know how to act, flirt and befriend others of their social/economic stature. I am sure there are many other examples of this, but this was the one that came to mind.
Humorist Erma Bombeck once wrote about her 40-yr. old son receiving an award. As he was was walking up to the podium she had to resist the urge to remind him to say, "Thank you."
My mother never schooled me in specific things like you mention but rather dropped hints or disapproving frowns to keep me in line. (We went to church...) I also observed everything. E V E R Y T H I N G. I practiced behavior I'd observed in the mirror but no matter what I try, I don't get it.
But, I think you're trying to understand that thing that all NT babies are born with that aspies lack. I had 4 kids and they all understand social cues. It's organic.
Yeah I wish there was a way to quickly learn these things. I find it nearly impossible to know what someone is feeling or thinking in a reaction to something i've said or done. So it feels impossible to learn whether it was good or bad to do this or that. Fortunately i tell close friends to please directly and patiently if possible, if i do something wrong. People used to say "why didn't you ask if you didn't know". for years i thought i did know. i thought "guessed" rather wrongly. it was insane. i think life is easier now that i know it's just me. i ask when it seems something is wrong. ugh hard hard hard. Thanks NT members for posting. -Jen
About emotion - I feel people's emotions but when they're trying to hide their true emotions they get mad at me for assuming something other than what they want at that moment. I don't think I'm wrong because closer friends will tell me later that I was right in my assumption. Sometimes they even apologize for their behavior but mostly they say it's annoying that I'm so right all the time.
After years of angry "corrections" I've learned to hold my tongue - sad part about that is that I miss opportunities because I have to hesitate - and at the risk of sounding arrogant, people have missed out on my problem-solving abilities because of this.
My parents are both NTs, and I don't remember them trying to teach me, or teaching my NT sister about any of those things. My sister however, picked them up without a challenge.