"moods" and getting husband to understand them
How do you explain to your NT(or somewhat NT) husband to understand that when I am in an "energized" mood, I am NOT in an intimate mood AT ALL. He takes it as I am "in the mood" for some reason. I am more or less, in an mood where I don't want to be touched, cuddled and I just want to get things that need to be done like cleaning the house, etc. Lately my "energized mood" is very rare(even rarer than my "intimate mood", lol) and this is when I can actually get things done. Things that need to be done and I do not want to be disturbed or interupted. I don't know how to explain "my moods" to him and which ones I am more acceptable of being touched, or hugged. THAT is another thing. The only time he hugs me or wants to "touch" me is when he is "in the mood", which is what seems like ALL OF THE TIME.... UGGG. I will post this to the AWN site to see if anyone can offer ideas of what I can do to explain it to him. Maybe I need to make a visual "mood thermometer" lol. and set it each day (or keep changing it through out the day depending on my current mood, so he knows to check there before coming to me and bugging me. We spend most of our time apart from eachother. His area is downstairs. His computer, tv,couch, etc. is down there. The kids "play area" is down there too, but is always too messy for them to play(which is what I am thinking my husband wants so he isn't bothered by them. Instead the kids play up in my living room area, where my space is. Where the tv I watch is and my computer is, etc. We have no, common shared ground, in our house, other than the bedroom, and that is still MY SPACE, lol. I guess the kitchen is kind of a shared space. Genisa
My colleague at work also acts like this. It can be very frustrating because I think she's happy, but she's sad. Or vice versa. Her moods change constantly...and I think the school 'nurse' doesn't understand enough about autism to help her. I've been asked to help her with everyday tasks. Just going to the dentist is a struggle. (Does anyone know any good out-of-pocket Portland dentists, by the way?) Autism and healthcare can be a tough match!
Am I the only one on this planet who doesn't need to be "in the mood" in order to be intimate with my husband? Who cares what mood I'm in? We have a marriage and are committed to maintaining it. Unless someone is ill or way overtired, we are intimate every night. This keeps us tightly bonded, and we are now going on eight years married.
As far as moods go, if I'm feeling crabby and I realize it, I will make an announcement that I feel that way, and commit to trying not to take it out on anyone. Doesn't always work (sometimes I end up having to apologize for saying something I shouldn't have), but at least they all know I respect them enough to care. My husband does the same, and I feel this provides a good strong foundation for the kids (2 of 3 on the spectrum) to learn relationship management.
Sometimes I can get there when I wasn't intially feeling it, but if I'm REALLY not in the mood then I like having the option of saying "not now". And my partner does too. Gernerally though, our passions are pretty evenly matched.
It's the same with moods. We allow each other to say if we're feeling crabby or need a bit of space. I am very thinky and my partner is much more chilled out, but he accomodates my desire to deconstruct disagreements (once the intensity has past) in order to pin point why they happened and whether we can learn anything which'll help improve our communication.
I find that bit so much fun it'd be almost worth finding thing to disagree about if I didn't find pointless arguments so painful.
Hi Genisa,
When it comes to mismatching sexual moods between couples I think a lot of NT women seem to have this issue too (the cliché is that women often resort to saying they have a “headache” to avoid getting into a discussion about it).
I think NT and Aspie alike could do with a little help in this area.
Before I discovered AS I read a lot about psychology (I was always trying to figure out what on earth was up with me!) and I feel I’ve picked up a lot of useful information over the years. I have also found that when I am calm I am a very straightforward person – and it has been my experience that calm honesty is worth a lot when it comes to navigating relationships. Based on this, I would generally advise anyone who is trying to get a good balance in their relationships to keep things simple.
One strategy for keeping things simple is not to try to explain all of your moods to your partner (moods are actually very hard to explain – where do you start?), instead you could just try to state as simply as possible what your needs are at any given point in time and encourage your partner to do the same (i.e. I need some time alone, I need a hug. I need to be listened to while I reason something out. I need some luvin! etc…)
Doing this should confer the following advantages:
It’s a bit more complicated when one or both partners have AS. For example, there may be times when you just don’t feel able to communicate.
I have struggled with “mutism” myself – i.e. finding myself completely unable to speak. This obviously makes it difficult to share needs!
I found that one of the things which exacerbated my mutism was that I would be trying to articulate my needs in the descriptive and pointed way in which I usually prefer to express myself but that I couldn’t do this because at those times I was so distressed I could barely form an idea in my head.
The quickest way out of this rip-tide that I have found is to keep my message simple. In this situation I have learnt that one word descriptions are the best. For me these usually these take the form of either “help!” or “hug!”.
By encouraging clear and simple communication about each other's needs hopefully the right time and space for “shared” time (i.e. talking or hanging out together, as well as making time for the more intimate stuff) will slowly become more apparent.
I hope you find this useful. Please do share back and let me know.
X
TP
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