My boyfriend doesn't understand I'm an aspie
I have been with my boyfriend since April. We have been living together in a small apartment in Chicago. I go to school full time, he's unemployed. We get along fine for the most part except that he refuses to understand I'm an aspie. I showed him articles, I tried explaining it to him, I've tried everything I can think of and he doesn't get it. I told him months ago I had AS and just yesterday he asked, "Why don't you get it when people pretend to be joking?" He is constantly asking why I don't want to talk to people, why I don't want to touch him, why I'm so picky about the clothes I wear and the food I eat. Earlier today I sent an email to his brother and introduced myself. After I was done, my bf asked what I wrote. I told him I wrote about the challenges of being in a relationship with an aspie. My bf's response: "Why in the world would you want someone to know that? It isn't like it's important." I almost screamed at him, "We've been together since April and you still don't think it's important?" He says I'm a snob and that I nag him all the time. He doesn't understand why I like reading about science and politics and why I'm so fascinated by research studies. I'll be sitting at the computer reading a research paper and looking at the data and he'll start making small talk and get upset that I don't pay attention to him. He isn't that smart and needs *a lot* explained to him and it irritates me beyond belief. I don't mind telling someone an answer every once in awhile but when he's around it's like being around a 2 year old. We'll be watching a movie he knows I've never seen before and will ask me questions every 30 seconds about the plot. He refuses to read a book and has no interest in becoming smarter. I have tried everything I know to help him and I am at the end of my rope. I am getting more drained everyday and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I just want to be alone and be able to read all day and do the things I enjoy without constantly being interrupted and antagonized. My bf knows that there are certain things that extremely upset me (taking my things and using them without asking for example) and instead of trying to accomodate me he just tells me "I don't know why you make such a big deal about things. Get over it." He wants to constantly hold my hand or cuddle or kiss or something and doesn't understand that I don't like it when people touch me, even him.
He is from out of state and is planning on moving soon. I'll be rid of him soon enough but I don't know how to deal until he leaves. Since I live in Chicago and it's only 13 degrees outside so I can't just go outside and take a breath. I'm so tired of trying to accomodate him when he doesn't do a thing for me.
I feel a little bit better now that I let it out but I know that he's just going to irritate me again soon and I don't want to explode. If anyone has any advice or suggestions I would appreciate it. Thanks for reading
Sandra
Sandra,
The situation you are describing sounds like it would be difficult for any woman, not just those on the spectrum. In any case, if he isn't willing to be understanding of your personal needs, he isn't worth keeping around. You need to be able to feel comfortable in your own home---it needs to be a safe haven for you, especially with an asperger's diagnosis. The outside world is critical enough.
I know that when I was having roommate difficulties (or dorm life difficulties---the noise, the smell, etc.) I would try to seek out a quiet space somewhere other than home. The university library was fairly deserted at many times, and I could always find a quiet corner where I could read or just be by myself. I would bring my ipod (well, in grad school, no such things when I was in college!) and just listen to my white noise track---just something to block out the world for a while. It took me a while to find a suitable corner of the world too---so don't give up because nothing looks accommodating. Chicago has many little corners, I've been there many times! (If you go to the public library, they have designated quiet rooms in case you're bothered by other people milling around.)
And don't think that your diagnosis is the cause of your relationship difficulties with this one. It seems like a bad match in the first place---you need to find someone who will not try to change you. Good luck and remember that it will be over soon!
I'm an NT, but I can assure you your boyfriend would be the type I would've broken it off with before the one-month anniversary (that is, if I even began dating him at all). I have to admire your patience.
Like Alaemmli said, go to a quiet place you enjoy until he leaves. Don't kick him out, because he doesn't deserve that, as strenuous as the relationship is. He's got enough on his plate arranging a move without having to find a new place to sleep in a hurry.
I would suggest that next time, make sure your partner understands about your Asperger's and your quirks before you enter a formal relationship. Asperger's is something you'll have to deal with every day of your life for the rest of your life, and that means any partner you have will have to deal with it, too. If they can't understand it, you won't have any more success with them than if you were dating someone who can't understand a word of English.
Life partners tend to be similar in education, social class, interests, etc., so try looking for people in your classes to form relationships with in the future. At least then you'll know you have something in common with them. Hope this helps!
This has been so helpful in understanding my 8 year old daughter. Thank you.
The comments on your predicament are right on the money. Sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. If he truley loved you he would be VERY interested in underdstanding your mind, how it works and what emotions you feel. As a dad of four girls I can only hope and wish you find your soulmate. Never settle for second, you deserve the best.
Thank you all for the responses, I feel much better now even if things haven't changed much on the surface. :)
I've been busy the past couple days, my spring semester starts next week so I've been registering for classes and getting ready and stuff. It's been nice to get out of my apartment and away from my boyfriend and everything else. I'm still working on finding a quiet spot nearby for myself near my apartment, normally I like exploring but the cold weather really puts a damper on things. I do start school in a week though and I'll be in class everyday and I know I'll be doing homework afterwards so I just have to get through this week and then I can get back into my routine. Since the fall semester ended in mid-December I've been staying inside all the time without any kind of schedule and it's been driving me crazy.
I tried talking to my boyfriend but I've realized he's a lost cause. I had thought I had gotten through to him, I sat him down and talked to him and he seemed to understand; then the next morning he was back to the same way he was before. At this point I'm just staying out of his way and trying to get him to stay out of mine. It seems to be working for the most part.
I guess I just really needed to vent and your responses have helped me feel a lot better. I'm so glad to have finally found people to talk to that understand. If there's anything I've learned from this entire fiasco it's that I need to set boundaries and not cave in when they're crossed. It isn't worth trying to make someone else happy if it just makes me miserable.
Thanks again for reading and responding :)
So right now he's more like an annoying, critical roommate? I'm sorry it's not going well... but there are guys out there who are more understanding. It sounds like he has so much of his own baggage weighing him down that he can't look at the situation from your point of view.
Cathy