My mother has died
My mom has been in ICU in critical condition for almost 3 weeks now and will most likely pass away soon. They have been giving her every possible medication and has been on 70-100% oxygen and yet she hasn't gotten better during this time, only worse. She has been medically sedated and at times medically paralyzed because the slightest movement decreases her oxygen levels. Since she is sedated she is not in pain but is not aware of me talking to her and generally appears in a comatose state (but she is really asleep as if she would be going to have surgery)
My mom already had asthma, diabetes, depression, sleep apnea, vertigo, 2 bypass surgeries and 2 bouts of Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. She went to the hospital with the flu, that turned into pneumonia, and that became Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS). She would have turned 63 on March 18th.
My father died when I was 16. So now I'm being asked to make decisions and authorizations for care, and she is almost at the point where there will be no hope for any improvement. So soon they will turn off the machines (probably Sat. unless she dies sooner) and she would pass away peacefully.
I am 34 (will be 35 on April 19, 2011) and I have Asperger's. I have one brother who is 30 (will be 31 in June) and he works 2 jobs. I am unemployed right now, so I have been put in charge of doing a lot of the phone calls, notifying family and friends, etc. So all these things have to be done-memorial service, final arrangements (she wished to be cremated), shiva (we are Jewish but reform) and then take care of trying to sell my mom's house, pay her bills and debts, take care of any legal matters, etc. I have a cousin who has been helping me with the financial, legal and medical stuff because it's hard for me to understand it all, process it, etc but she has her own life and other things to do as well. Others have asked "is there anything I can do?" but I don't know what to tell them.
There is the practical issues like what was mentioned above and there is the emotional, which is taking me awhile to process. My dad died when I was only 16. He was 44 years old at the time and died of a heart attack with no warning.
Looking for support right now, and trying to figure out ho I'll handle everything. I also don't know when I'll start to look for a job again.
Edited: My mother died on February 19, 2011. We are planning the funeral for hopefully Feb. 28th.
I am very sorry to hear about this, Katie.
Do you have any kind of support system of friends or extended family who can help you with all that needs to be done?
Katie,
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. My grandmother, who was like a mother to me as my mother was very disturbed emotionally, passed away just this last March 18th. I understand the difficulty processing the conflict of emotions, especially when the beloved was enduring so much pain. I didn't even have to arrange anything for her passing, so it was nothing like what you are experiencing. My prayers go out for you and your brother.
Give yourself time to grieve. Ironically, the one thing that helped me was to imagine my grandmother sitting in her favorite chair in my kitchen. Whenever I miss her most, I sit opposite her chair and imagine her laughter and the conversations we had. I used to confide in her my concerns, especially with decisions. I imagine her voice, telling me what she advised me to do. It was in these quiet moments of contemplation that I worked through the loss and processed the sorrow and joy of her life. Your mother is still very much with you. Simply close your eyes and tell her how you feel. She will be there, waiting to listen.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I, too, had to take care of the estate and funeral arrangements for both of my parents. It was all very difficult. It was so stressful that the way I handled things were probably not the best. I try to remember I did the best I was able to do. I am sure you did the same. Remember that you did your best and give yourself credit for what you were able to do.
Katie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.
Try to take things one day at a time for a while... maybe put the job search on the back burner while you take care of the other things. Of those who offered to help, do you think any of them could help you organizing what needs to be done? I can't give much specific advice on that since I haven't had to make such arrangements myself, but maybe a family friend who has experience with the death of a loved one could help.
You have a lot on your plate right now. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too.
Cathy