NT Wife needs to vent and seeks some advice on helping Aspie Hubby
My husband is most likely an Aspie. However, he also had a very traumatic childhood and so no psychologists, to date, have been willing to diagnose him with an ASD. That said, after learning about Autism because our son is on the spectrum, I've realized he most likely has Asperger's like our son. In fact, we've been helping our son so much, my husband has less coping skills than our 10 year old does.
Anyway, hubby is in CBT now which is good. He's gone through several therapists, mostly due to insurance changes. I'm extremely glad he's going. But right now, things are just a mess at our house and weekly therapy isn't moving fast enough to keep it together.
I just had to have major surgery. Although it was scheduled and planned, the house fell apart after. Ok, not totally or literally. But the two boys have been nearly ready to kill each other, laundry doesn't get done, meds don't get refilled, schoolwork isn't done, etc. Our son is home schooled via a Cyber School. And I simply haven't had the energy to keep it all in check.
You see, I am the glue that keeps it all together. But I need to have backup glue. I don't expect Superglue to replace me. But some nice Elmer's School Glue would be fine. Instead, hubby has been producing glue remover while I recooperate which you can imagine is not working well. I almost think he purposely picks fights with our son so that he doesn't have to follow through with things.
Most of the daily responsibilities have fallen by the wayside. I am finally healthy enough to school our son. But our son did NO school for a week because my husband couldn't manage it. My husband works from home and didn't schedule any time off because he didn't think to do it. I didn't tell him to because I didn't realize he needed me to tell him to (bad NT/Aspie communication there). But some of the responsibilities, such as making sure pets are fed, kids are fed, etc. also fell by the wayside. Even though we had people bringing us food, my husband couldn't manage the functions of making sure our son and I got some when it was dinner time. Instead, he'd fix himself something and go watch a Netflxi movie!!
I know some of his inability to manage our crazy life is due to his traumatic childhood. But I also know its executive function issues. But he's obviously not open to having a PEC system at age 45.
So, being the ever-enthusiastic problem solver, I'm looking for any advice on what I can do to help him help me without being condescending. We've been at odds for over a week now because of this and I just don't know what else to do. He keeps telling me he's "trying". But its very hard to digest when he doesn't follow through but sits and watches movies instead. I know escaping behavior when I see it. What can I do to get him to step up?
This was just a huge wake up call. If something seriously happened to me, I just don't know what would happen here. Thankfully, this surgery was a pretty quick recovery turnaround.
Thanks for listening!
Amy C.
OMG...are you SURE your husband isn't spectrum? His interests sure match my husbands! History channel, movies, Zombie games...lol
I have ADHD and prior to meds, I used to really lose it during arguments. I wonder if that's what's going on your with your guy?
Anyway...I guess we'll have to keep on, keeping on as they say! At least we're not alone!
Amy
Hi Amy
Not sure what PEC abreviation is.
Anyway - I am NOT married, but recently trialled having a housemate who had significantly fewer skills relating to executive functioning than I do.
Over the course of a few months I put together a "Folder". In it there were MANY things. We also had laminated things around the walls of the house. The things I found worked BEST out of all the systems I developed were the following:
1) I made 7 laminated sheets (one for each day of the week) and on each I put a picture AND brief wording for 2-3 (no more) key things that should be definitely done on that specific day of the week (so that even if NOTHING else got done we survived). Eg. Wednesday is the day before bins so it had "Put bins out" on it. We put "Laundry" on two days of the week (spaced) and "vacuuming" and floor cleaning on another etc etc... Also for every night of the week we had a BASIC checklist (extra lights off, dishes washed and put away/drying mail checked +opened + sorted, dog fed, adequate food in the house for the next day, groceries away, etc etc)
2) Star chart system (note we are both adults and we had one - I would highly advise it for your son). We basically paid for fun unproductive activities with stars and earnt stars with household chores and responsibilities... Eg. Housemate was messy so she could earn stars by keeping her room tidy all day. Earn stars for studying. Earn stars for SHOWING INITIATIVE with something. Could earn stars for cooking dinner or cleaning up all the dishes. Spend stars on movies/TV/computer games etc etc... When we made ourselves use this system my housemate was MUCH MUCH MUCH more functional... Unfortunately I couldn't enforce this system as I'm not her parent and so if she simply wanted to play games she'd essentially go 'screw the star system today). You could also use star system as a way to determine amount of pocket money or rewards for your son.
3) In the folder were laminated sheets (yes - I like the laminator) and on each were two pictures - a photo of the wrong way to do something and a photo of the RIGHT way to do it. The wrong way had a red circle with the diagonal line over the picture to enforce not to do things this way. Examples were like DISHED --> wrong = leaving them dirty in sink + right = leaving them clean and drying in dish rack. etc etc.
In terms of meals - I was the only one cooking and what I tend to do is cook a large amount of something so there are quite a few meals all prepared and ready to eat during the week (most things freeze and reheat well etc). This meant if I was too busy to cook we still had food even though housemate didn't cook. In terms of in a family - maybe encourage a family (or father son) cooking night where you can make up lots of food and store it for later in the week and perhaps you could use that evening for your son to gradually learn some life skills in terms of cooking...
Hope that helps a bit, but I can relate to your frustration too and understand it isn't always easily fixed when it comes to situations like this.
Arlene
Lists and calendars are what works for us. AS spouses and autistic son.
This is a great book that covers lots of stuff relating to homecare and relationships:
Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults by Zosia Zaks
http://www.amazon.com/Life-Love-Positive-Strategies-Autistic/dp/19312829...
Wow, you all are so organized! We get by with life without all that chart help stuff, although sometimes I think you can just chalk it up to survival. More that anything, we probably pull it off by keeping life as simple as possible, writing things down on the calendar (my husband and myself together), and having a household rule of honoring and respecting each other. This last thing can sometimes be funny though, as the aspies are often asking the nypicals how to handle a problem without being rude or mean; often, we ask the nypical with whom we have a problem! I know it sounds strange, but at least we get the issue addressed that way, and it didn't have to be hurtful. I guess it's true that love covers a lot of things.
I guess our family roles are diffferent :-) I am the one with Aspergers(the wife) and my husband is the so called "NT" one. (you posted on my other post).I am 36 and he is 43. He is frusterated that I just can't see where he is coming from and I am so frusterated that he refuses to see my point of view. I can relate to you comment about your husband having less coping skills than your son. My husband has anger management issues, and he used to have fits of stomping AND yelling, etc. when he got angry. The "stomping" and throwing a fit looked so funny to me, that I could not stop laughing whenever he did this. At first he really got angry at me, but then realized how silly he must have really looked.
What is CBT thearpy?
OMG! your husband sounds JUST like my husband. (sure they aren't related? lol)
My husband rather play his X-box games; watch some boring old doccumentary on the history channel; watch sci-fi movies(like 'Land of the Dead' or 'Living Dead', etc. on the computer; or get on some political sight on the computer and "stir things up a bit".
Meanwhile, my time is spent: cleaning, organizing, keeping our two boys(ages 5 and 9) from arguing and annoying each other; feeding them what seems like non stop; fixing meals; doing cub scouts activities with them; getting my oldest to do his homework while keeping youngest from bugging him. I don't really have free time. That is usualy when I am sleeping.