Power Struggle with Near-Sociopathic Sister

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wollstonecraft
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Joined: 9/12/2010

I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this. 

My siblings and I had to sell our mother's house when she was diagnosed with dementia about three years ago.  It was a group effort cleaning out her house.  All of us were not there at the same times. 

Several plastic bags of family photos going back decades were some of the items in the house.  Recently I started asking around for which sister has the photos.  There were some that were from my childhood and they meant a lot to me.  They don't matter to any of my sisters because I'm the oldest, and either they weren't born or were too young to know the childhood friends in the photos with me.

One sister told me that the sister I referred to in the subject heading--I'll call her Lizzie--was seen carrying the plastic bags of photos out of my mother's house.  When I asked Lizzie about them, she claimed that other sisters had them, and that she has no family photos.  Lizzie has a long history as the family klepto.  Many years ago she stole some belongings from my mother, and she threw them out into the trash to avoid being caught with them.  I learned years ago from other sisters never to lend any of my belongings to Lizzie because my sisters and my mother had lent things to her, and she never returned them.  I was once present when my mother confronted Lizzie about this, and she just sat snickering and laughing about it.  When she was in her early 20s she was caught shoplifting from a supermarket, and when they confronted her at the doors, she went into a furious assault against them, putting on an indignant, outraged act about "how dare" they accuse her.  She got away with it. 

About three weeks ago I sent around an email to all of my siblings--my sisters as well as my brothers.  One lives in northern California and the other lives in Florida.  I said that I was trying to find photos that mean a lot to me and that I was getting conflicting stories about who has the photos.  I mentioned hearing that Lizzie had carried bags full of the photos out of my mother's house.  She pulled the same tactic she used at the supermarket.  She answered in red text calling me "way out of line" and "paranoid" and said that whichever sister said she'd seen Lizzie carring the photos out of my mother's house was hallucinating.  I replied just by telling her that no, I am not out of line or paranoid.  Two other sisters said they would look for whatever photos they had in their homes and that I was welcome to check out what they had. 

Shortly before I sent this email, Lizzie had a high school graduation party at her home for her son at her home.  I noticed an old family photo album underneath one of her end tables.  I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't think it was the right time, at my nephew's graduation party.  I didn't want to risk a scene.  But I visited Lizzie's home two nights ago, and I noticed that the black photo album is no longer under the end table.  I'm sure she hid it because she didn't want to be caught lying about her having family photos. 

None of my sisters will come to my aid.  The sister who told me about seeing Lizzie with the bags of photos did not speak up when I sent my family email around to them all.  But they all know that Lizzie is capable of this and that she has the photos.  I'm in this completely on my own.  My brothers were living in distant states and weren't involved in cleaning out my mother's house, so they don't know enough about the situation to be much help.

The only language Lizzie understands is leverage and clout.  I have only one thing that might give me some leverage, but it doesn't come naturally to me to deal with people this way, so I'd like some advice.  I have a small B & W photo of my paternal grandmother, taken of her when she was two years old, in 1902 in England, where she was born.  As of now, none of my sisters know I have it, but I know that if they did know, they would want very much to have it scanned and to have me share that with them.  I can't use it as a bargaining chip until I've looked at all the photos my other sisters have.  I don't expect to find any of my childhood photos with them because I'm certain Lizzie has them stashed away.  But once I've done that, I'm considering sending my siblings an email telling them that I have this photo of my grandmother and telling them that no one is going to see it or gain any access to it until I am satisfied that I've found all of the childhood photos I want.  I'd tell them that I'm going to leave the bickering to them, that they can get together and go over the stories about who has which photos, and that it's up to them to make sure I get these photos, and to tell me who had them. 

What do people think of this?  Does anyone have any better ideas?  I am burning up with indignation and outrage and helplessness at her abusing me this way.  In the past I always protected myself from her klepto tendencies by never letting her get her hands on any of my belongings.  Now she has something that belongs to all of us, and it's no skin off of her nose to let me borrow the photos, scan them and put them in digital files, and return them.  I've never done anything to hurt her that would make me deserve this.  And her son, my nephew, also is an Aspie, and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with him, which is special. 

Thanks for any advice anyone can offer. 

LHWilley
LHWilley's picture
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Joined: 1/1/2010

Hi.  Power struggles are very difficult to navigate through, even if you are 100% neurotypical.  Without a mediator or magic wand, they can be virtually impossible to settle.  However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get your photos back.  You have every right to be so very angry over this situation, but I don't think anger will give you a leg up on this situation and it sounds like you've kept most of your anger from leaking out.  Good for you!  What if you made an appeal something like this- "Wouldn't it be cool if we could all collect all our old photos and have a sister night where we worked on scrapbooking and putting photos together for everyone in the family.  It could be a great holiday gift to share with each other (and the brothers) and a neat way for us to all bond and enjoy old memories." 

What I'm suggesting is trying the 'killing them with kindness' angle.  Don't accuse her of having the photos, just say "let's all bring all our old photos".  If she goes for this, she might not bring all the photos she has, but perhaps a few...

You could add you have found some very neat photos of the old days and then hint at the one you have that is so special. 

By giving the sister some power over the situation, she might release some of what she has.  It doesn't sound like you can force the power away from her.  Maybe makign her the hero of the story will work.  If she likes to entertain at her house, ask her if she would host you all.  If she likes to go to a park or some place special, suggest you all do your sharing at that place.  Appeal to her needs/wants, and see if you can 'win' some of her kindness. 

Good luck!

Liane

 

Celebrating differences, Liane

shana nichols phd
shana nichols phd's picture
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Joined: 8/11/2011

Liane has offered some wonderful suggestions for managing your very difficult family situation. I hope this approach will be helpful for you.

Best, Shana

 

Shana Nichols, PhD

Director, ASPIRE Center for Learning and Development

AWN Professional Advisory Board Member

wollstonecraft
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Joined: 9/12/2010

Thanks, I don't have time for a lengthy reply right now, but I'll write more when I have time.  Liane, thank you so much!

wollstonecraft
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Joined: 9/12/2010

Liane and Shana, thanks for your replies.  

This is complicated by all of five of my sisters viewing me as an outsider because I'm so different from them.  I've been a colossal geek all my life, and very awkward socially.  They have an active aversion to the things I'm interested--geek things, academic lectures and cultural things and such--and they have an aversion to people like me.  They would never accept anyone like me as a friend.  So there's a divide from the get-go, before I even get to this matter of the photos.  

I did send around a group email to the sisters saying I wanted to see the photos everyone has, and that I was aware of all of them having some photos.  Lizzie came back at me with a flaming, accusatory email at me, complete with red bold text, calling me "paranoid" and "way out of line.  I wasn't surprised by this tactic.  I sent a reply to the group just stating that no, I am not paranoid or out of line.  The complication is that not only will Lizzie not budge, but none of the sisters will utter a peep in my defense.  There's a wall of solidarity from them, and I'm the outsider, the different, "weird," "goofy," "nut job" one.  

I do have a photograph that I cherish, and I know they'd love to have it, or have me scan it and share it, but they don't know I have it.  It's a photo of our paternal grandmother, taken in England, where she was born, when she was two years old, in 1902.  I've also got two other photos taken in 1927 of my paternal grandparents and my father and his brother when they were small boys.  My grandmother's handwriting is on the back of the photos.  

I don't think it's a wise idea to use the photo of my grandmother as a bargaining chip, to say to them, I've got this, and you're not gaining access to it until I see all of those family photos.  They already see me as an outsider.  They aren't remotely angry at Lizzie because she's holding these photos hostage.  And they'll react angrily at me if I dare to use a bargaining chip.  They'll see it as hostility toward all of them.  

I do have this possible bit of leverage, though it's a maybe.  My mother's sister also is trying to locate those photos, and I think she knows that Lizzie  has them.  I've thought of trying to enlist my aunt as an ally.  It's possible, though far from certain, that Lizzie might relent if she's sharing the photos with my aunt.  I'm going to contact my aunt and ask her if she's going to approach Lizzie about it.  I'll tell her the result I got when I tried to reason with Lizzie, and ask my aunt to please inform me if she is going to see the photos Lizzie has, so that I can also be present.  Lizzie wouldn't be able to change her mind and keep the photos from my aunt just because I'm present, when she didn't realize I would be.

That's how things are for now.