responding to interested aspergic men
I seem to attract strongly aspergic men, perhaphs because they can sense that I might be a little aspergic myself and/or are understanding of their aspieness. While I do have more empathy for aspergic people and might be a little aspergic myself, I am more interested in men who have at least the same level of social understanding that I do. I feel like this fair because I am relatively independent and content with my life and would not be interested in a man unless he is fun to be with. These men who are attracted to me are often so awkward that I feel like I will have to hold their hand through many situations. I will show understanding as a friend, but nothing more, because it is more than I can give for someone I don't see myself being happy with.
In short, how do I let these guys know that I'm not interested without hurting their feelings? Should I, as others have suggested, just lie and say I'm taken, or tell them that I feel they are a very awkward and encourage them to get out more/be more open minded/look online for potential girlfriends? I'm leaning towards the latter because I personally appreciate directness, but I'd like others' opinions on this too.
Comments? Suggestions?
Thanks!
By the way, I posted this in "ask an NT" because I'd like the feedback of NT's as well as aspergic women, and I think this would be the best place to put it as I want to increase the chance of getting general feedback and not just from other aspies.
That's a very valid question. I hear your concern that you don't want to hurt them, but at the same time you don't want let them believe you are interested in them.
I think Outoutout provided some good inputs. I think being honest may work best for you and them. I would be explicit and explain very simply how you feel. You don't need to lie, nor do you need to be nicer than you feel. You also don't need to defend how you feel. You can tell them, that you are not feeling comfortable around them and that puts you in a position where you don't feel going further with them.
The part I'm not in line with Outoutout is to tell them "I like my men NT". I would try to avoid explaining what you don't like in them, but rather stay focused on you. Why? because when we are judgmental, that's when we hurt people. I would not tell them they are great or let them believe that they have nothing to do with how you feel around them....
It's not lying, because it's not saying things that are not true or not there (like they are great or it's not therei fault). It's about finding a way to have them understand without being judgmental and confrontational.
Another strategy is to express what you are looking for in men. If they have some self-awareness, they will realize they don't match that, and that you will never go out with them. It's an indirect way to express what you like. You can have them express their ideal, and compare.. and then come to the conclusion that you and them would not be a good match. If they don't get it, based on what you shared about what you like in men, you can tell them, "I enjoy the friendship, but the sparkle to fall in love is not there." You can add "I don't want you to have false hopes about us." and that "I'd rather have that ambiguitiy clarified between us." These sentences can be used anytime. It expresses your intentions and feelings, without judging them. Though, it may still be hard for them, if they have any hopes. As Outoutout hinted you can control their feelings/reactions.
If it's still unclear, then you should be very explicit and upfront and say: "I'm not interested in you."
I hope this helps a bit. It's a very NT approach though... LOL
Eric @Myautisticson
Hiya Eric! I didn't know you were a member here.
Admittedly, the "I like my men NT" line was made with tongue planted firmly in cheek :-D, but I think you definitely have a point about keeping the focus on oneself instead of on the other person.
"I enjoy the friendship, but the sparkle to fall in love is not there." <--- I like this one, too.
"Aspergic"? Sounds like a word one would use to describe Drain-O. "It's very Aspergic, it'll totally clean out your pipes" :p
Ahem... sorry, bad humour there.
I don't know much about men (being a woman, and quite gay), but I do know something about rejection. As I've experienced it a lot. I don't know that there's a way to reject someone's affections whilst guaranteeing not to hurt their feelings. I also think that, essentially, you are not responsible for their inevitable reaction. The only thing you can control is how you present yourself.
Yes, be direct. Don't beat around the bush. Don't use cutesy crap like, "It's not you, it's me", or, "You're a wonderful person - really you are! - and I'm sure you'd make some girl totally happy!" And don't lie. Aspies aren't stupid.
"Sorry, but I'm not interested in you in that way. I like my men NT." Bingo-bango-boingo.
Of course, I suppose much depends on whether you'd like to keep them around as friends. I dunno... going by your post, I get the vibe that you pity people like us more than anything else, so maybe cruelty really is best. For them.
Cheers! (oh, and I just noticed the date on this post... if this is an April Fool's bangup, well played sir/madame! ;) )
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."
Temple Grandin thinks in pictures. I think in music videos. :)