I hate to do this, but I am going to vent. I feel like absolute shit. I was happier living in residential settings where I had support. Now I am an adult and I was placed in an apt where I live alone.

It feels like all the things I have accomplished in my life have counted against me, my hard work in school backfired! I've been in services with vocational rehab for a year and have still recieved no help with employment whatsoever. I have been completely isolated in an apt and am hating my living environment because I get no structured support of any kind even though my eval says I need a highly structured support program. The people who evaluated me, the autism specialists, they specifically referred me to DDD services and DDD didn't even consider me even though I met all the criteria, diagnosis, functional limitations based on assessment, and occuring before age 3. However, they threw me a technical "loop hole" by telling me they didn't have old records that I was in special ed in school (even though I was) and so they couldn't "prove" this disability started before 22 years old. I gave them records from residential placements I had at age 15 and 17 but they claimed I didn't have the diagnosis of autism then so those didn't count. I gave them learning disability records, but those also didn't count because it wasn't a diagnosis of autism so they could claim that the learning disabilities were due to emotional problems and not a developmental disability even though it specifically states in that record that the LD diagnoses ARE DUE TO A NEUROLOGICAL CAUSE! I wouldn't care what I was classified as, except I get no help with supportive employment (which I desperately need as I don't do well without structure). I also get no access to any kind of day services. So I am placed in this apt and I end up just sitting here all day watching tv. It's better than being homeless but only slightly. I'm becoming more and more disabled the longer I wait for help. Vocational rehab doesn't even have me on a waiting list yet! And who knows how long that is. I've gotten so desperate that I have been suicidal and went into a crisis respite bed for a couple of days. I have considered just leaving on a train or plane and wandering around. I've also considered moving to a different state. Except none of the other states would probably have any services for me either. Still, I probably am going to move to another state because I can't be any worse off there than I am here. I'll at least have a change of scenery.

I also feel like a complete waste of space. At least in school I was working toward something. People seem completely content to let me sit in an apt and call me "independent" which means that I am the highest level of functioning and thus it is the ideal that adults with autism should strive for. No one cares about my quality of life which is worse than most animals. No one cares that I am so isolated I am less stimulated than people living in institutions. No one seems to care at all and they seem to treat me as though it is unreasonable for me to expect to have access to support services for my disability. I am withdrawing more and more inside myself and am becoming less verbal. I no longer hope for things, dream of a future or plan to do things. I used to at least have acquaintances in school. Now I don't even have that. On top of that vocational rehab is cutting the supportive living services now that they helped me get on SSDI. I have absolutely no motivation to try anything new anymore despite an amazing ability I once had to become interested in almost anything new. I do not care about my well being anymore. This is all due to the neglect I have endured and the struggle to get any of my needs met. The psychiatrist with the mental health services agrees that I should not be medicated since it doesn't help and often makes things worse and that the depression isn't real depression, but a natural consequence of my circumstances. But still none of this changes. How long will we have to wait to get the help we need and deserve?? I'm not even talking a lot of help, but just simple things that would not cost much money. Supported Employment or day program activities and maybe minor transportation needs when I can't ride the bus. Or a group supported living environment where employment is integrated, but not 24/7 support. Not even close. Just a meaningful existence where I can be integrated into community life. I have a really hard time wrapping my head around people not understanding this need! How long will we have to wait? I'm asexual and have no family so this is REALLY important to someone like me.

I'm really just exhausted and tired of trying to get help. I feel like my life is expendable. It's really sad.